Silenced the Silent Silencing

Apologies for neglecting my blog for so long again even when I promised to write after exams. At the back of my head, I already know what I wana write for this post whilst writing my previous post. Rather, I was contemplating if it is appropriate for me to announce to the whole world the major events that happened in my relationship for the past 3 years. Apart from friends and relatives whom I know read my blog, I wouldn't know if people who aren't supposed to know about the incidents read them too. After much internal turmoil, I've decided that it's time to make them known to all. Do bear in mind that I am not trying to commit the much critique mistake of victimizing anyone but to account to the people who care for me, supported me mentally and emotionally throughout the 3 years. Hence, the objective of this post is NOT to shame/fault/blame anyone.

If you think you can't handle my side of the story, you are now given a choice to cease reading and click the little "x" at the top left corner of your tab.

DISCLAIMER: This blog is set up to share personal thoughts on various topics, ranging from (personal) life to the society, science to philosophy. I have, by no means, any intention of flaming, defaming, accusing and insulting any individuals. The blog and me are also in no way affiliated to any constituencies of any sort.

This is going to appear fragmented as I attempt to guide you through the major events throughout the 3 years. For SX and some, I will TRY to refrain from using "chim" words. =)

It's true that both of us knew each other online through World of Warcraft. We started off as friends chatting ingame and on MSN, giving each other advice to our own relationships (we were then both attached to our individual partners ). Funny how things turned out, we developed liking for each other even before meeting in real life. However, that doesn't give evidence to the widely misconceived "truth" that I was the 3rd party to his relationship. Why, I can say he's the 3rd party to my relationship in that sense too, isn't it? (No, he wasn't the 3rd party to my relationship. This question is posted as an analogy.) I don't blame his parents for being misguided to believe that I destroyed their son's relationship due to the things that was said behind my back (by *someone* Names will not be quoted). I wanted very much to tell his parents what exactly happened but was never given a chance to or was hushed. And I thought to myself sillily that it is him whom I fell in love with; his parents will come to see how well I've treated him. But that never happen even when it's apparent that I showered him with love and care.

After the end of his previous relationship, I was persuaded to join him in Australia for his last semester. To me, being/living together with my love one(s) is the center pillar of my life (I'm worried about my family and my then ailing grandmother too). However, I agreed readily with little persuasion and by a feeble affirmation of his love. Merely 1 week upon arriving in Australia, he confessed that he was still very much in love with ex-gf and would like to be with her again. I won't go into details describing my feelings back then (I'm not trying to terrorize or victimize anyone.. hahah..). In the end, I endured on, encouraged him to go back to her, taught him how to "court" her back. At the same time, I took care of his meals and the rented apartment. All because I believe if I really love a person, I would do the things needed to provide him with happiness.

We were separated for a period of time when I was forced to leave Aussie and it was mutually agreed upon that our relationship will end the moment I left. However, we got back together when he returned to Singapore. Although we then enjoyed being together for approximately 2 years odd, it was frequently punctuated with petty quarrels/arguments that resulted from minor disagreements, coupled with threats of ending the relationship from both sides. I was very much a irrational person (I don't know if I still am..) and do things based on what my heart tells me instead of thinking through. I am sensitive to the minor changes in his tone and behavior, therefore could tell straight away when something is not right. Things finally ended when a young mysterious female figure entered his life and I posed him with the question of "Would you be happier without me in your life?" No, I did not associate her in the equation at that point in time as he had repeatedly assured that there was nothing going on even before the question was brought up. As it seem, I found out that that statement was false 3 days after the breakup.

After he laid things out plainly for me, I took myself out of their equation and ceased communications. The first contact came via MSN, 12 days after the breakup date. I could tell he wasn't happy even before he spoke to me judging from his MSN nick. I know and I understand why many of you said that I should not contact him anymore but I just can't bring myself to deny a person, whom I love dearly, of attention, care and concern. That resulted in some of you deeming me as a stupid, helplessly romantic fool in love remember? From then on, I stood by him as a best friend, a listening ear and an adviser, listening to problems, giving advice to improving his ongoing courtship (again) and tapping into my analytical skills to shed a "brighter" light on his relationship. Even so, I was chided a couple of times for saying things which is of truth to me (later on proven to be true) yet not so kind on his ears and to be rebuked with "Even if there's a wall in front of me, just let me go bang it." And so, I understood what you guys said and withdrew communications from him again.

There are quite a number of details which I've intentionally left out so as to protect the reputation of the personnel involved (No 2 individuals think the same, I know they might feel otherwise). I know a lot of details of which some I'm not supposed to know and which they most likely hope/think I don't. Similarly, that is also why I've chosen to leave out why he choose to be with me again. Although there is a possibility that I might write about that too if things are as true as confided. For if they are true, our relationship will then be an even though grueling and Sisyphean but yet incredibly sweet and unbelievably romantic love path we've undertaken together.

Here, I would like to end with a note of appreciation dedicated to my Mum, my auntie, my sisters (whom I've grown closer to after the breakup), WY and SX (ok lar.. u 2 more special) for enduring the troubles I posted during depression and my stubbornness of going against the advice given. I understand perfectly that you guys just want me to be happy like how all I've wanted was for him to be happy. I seek your magnanimosity, understanding and forgiveness that it is no longer about me or him being happy. I want both of us to be happy and that will not come without a price nor hardship but it will, I believe, if we can both endure on and surpass the (emotional) obstacles. Additionally, if we hadn't experienced what we've experienced, we will not treasure what we have. Without failure, how would you know what is success?

PS: Post is written over a span of 5 days. Events that happened during the writing period do not alter the initial intention of penning this post and shall not be attributed to the creation of this post.

"What is grand is necessarily obscure to weak men. That which
can be made explicit to the idiot is not worth my care. "
- William Blake, An English Poet, 1757-1827

Prologue: Breaking the Silence

Not that I have a lot of time on hand now, but I shall write as much as I can. It seems to me that when I remove my disclaimer, the whole world (* "the whole world" is used metaphorically*) thinks that I'm writing about them when I wasn't . My language is not as bad as to not show that what was written is in the general sense. Bizarre as it is, I'm not exactly surprised. The only surprising thing is that we, humans don't subject ourselves to the same set of faults when we are faulting others (well, not really surprising too since I've mentioned it before in prev posts). And yes, I'm aware that I am too, bounded by this conformity (at least I'm aware of my own limitations just as the humans scholars).

DISCLAIMER: This blog is set up to share personal thoughts on various topics, ranging from (personal) life to the society, science to philosophy. I have, by no means, any intention of flaming, deflaming, accusing and insulting any individuals. The blog and me are also in no way affiliated to any constituencies of any sort.

Amid the Microecons notes, a little birdie told me that an interesting phenomenon took place in this digitized dimension and I should be careful of what I write or password lock my blog. But I don't see the rationale of performing either suggestions for they're contradicting with why the blog exists. Amusingly absurd, I say. For one to publicize one's life/thoughts/insights on the internet, it is as good as authorizing any tom, dick, harry the legitimacy to intrude. If I ain't aware of that in the first place, I would have issue access rights to the selected few to start with. Then again, what's the point of doing that when my objective is to share my life/thoughts/insights with the world? Perhaps, the most compelling reason is that the internet is probably the only "place" in this current era which allows a certain degree of freedom of speech (compared to traditional media aka newspaper). Not implying that everyone should start posting nonsense on the net (sif there isn't enough already) because we are still being monitored by higher authority. Just like how it took me a night of contemplation, deciding whether to publish "5 'C's of the Society" for fear that it might land me in political trouble.

Regardless if I have consciously choose to remain silence (screening what I write) or forcefully being silenced, either way, it doesn't mean that I'm oblivious to what's happening around me or that I'm submitting myself to what's being said or done. JQ said the whole saga is really 狗咬吕洞宾 (not knowing who's helping you in actual fact) but I only said 不知者无罪 (the ignorant shall not be faulted). What he said thereafter did shed some light and it dawned upon me that by keeping quiet or not actively retaliating the silencing force, everything will just remain as a vicious cycle. Or if you're malicious enough, you can simply put it as "why continue to be the good person for another person when that person is the person pointing the finger at you" (haha.. I purposely wrote in that manner =P is that Spivak's style too? Hmm..).

In preparation for examinations and my As, this post shall also serves as a brief explanation to my friends and relatives. Fret not, the next post will be intricate and gives a clearer picture. And I will attempt to write in simpler sentences so that no one will complain having to shuffle between the blog and dictionary. (LoLz... helping you guys expand vocabulary also kkz? =P)

The same old question that I've asked over and over again remains: How many people really understand the core essence of my post(s)? Adding on to that, who will then, continue to contextualize my post(s) to feed the narcissism and self-centricity to contribute to the force(s) in order to maintain the position as the sun, with the world revolving around.

Lost Posts

Apologies to all (yes all means all, even those who can't understand my writings) for not updating my blog on a constant basis. I have many things to share/report/update/victimize/terrorize (*delete accordingly) but there were too many assignments due, one after another. I simply couldn't find the time to blog. On a side note, I usually take up to half a day to write a Quality post so I reckon I'll just focus on work first instead of posting junk for the sake of merely updating. To date, 5 assignments have been completed and submitted, the last will be due next week. After which, I would probably have time for 1 or 2 post(s) before hell starts all over again.

Apparently, some "readers" do have difficulties understanding my writing/ideas. I shan't fault anyone as I've said misinterpretation is always present. It is perfectly alright to have a different mindset from mine as no 2 individuals think exactly the same way (I've stated this countless times). However, bear in mind that there is absolutely no need to hurl verbal abuses or accusations. What goes around comes around. Karma works in the most amazing way. It was never easy and never will be but try you must, to take a step back, revise the things you've done and you'll realized why you are experiencing the consequences now. 有因就有果. Things don't happen for no reasons. The world and the people around you, don't owe anyone anything. People might think that I'm stupid if I should decide to post what happened to me in details (which I don't intend to, else I'll be making the mistake of victimization as I've criticized) but that is your thinking and this is what differentiates me from the world, this is what makes me unique. I am not narcissistic and never attempt to make everyone loves me, neither am I thick-skinned enough to say that everyone will love me. I am who I am. This is who I am. This is Adeline Lin.

黯然的海龟

Yes, I wrote this! Haha.. in fact, I wrote this earlier this year in Jan when he was away in Japan.

在那一览无遗的沙滩上，坐着一只海龟。它望着一群海鸥盘旋在无边无际的蓝天，寻找着自己的未来。这只海龟一时之下不禁感到遗憾，茫然。深叹不能像海鸥一样得到大自然的宠爱，能够在大自然的怀抱中自由的翱翔，来去自如。

它 感叹不能像海鸥一样展翅高飞，感叹着自己的能力有限。有的只是对所爱，所关心的人，持着一颗热诚的心。虽然如此，它深信就凭着这一颗心，或许也能找到属于 自己的天空。很显然的，路途中一定布满荆棘，它得凭着那炽热的心与所有的实力去克服一切困难，还得面对重重危机，偶尔也会被沉重的心情压抑着。要让自己的 生活过得充实有趣，就得学会如何苦中作乐。为了喜爱的一切，为了深爱的人而付出，为了博君一笑，无论多么心酸，多么难熬，又算什么呢？

然 而，海龟也只能这样，一步步慢慢地离开它所心爱的沙滩以及它所熟悉的一切，走向陌生的大海。远远地从一望无际的汪洋大海中观望着沙滩与海鸥，黯然地祈求幸 福能一日降临于它们。海龟则恨下心，使劲儿地游向眼前的陌生领域。哪一天，当海鸥觅完食后，当沙滩不再拥挤时，海龟依然会回应，依然没舍弃最熟悉的沙滩。

Power of Media

Sometimes I really wonder how many people actually read my blog. And those who do, how do they perceive me? Am I nice? Am I bad? Am I a cranky and eccentric weirdo who thinks too much? Or am I a sophisticated child neglected by the society?

I've been living in Hougang for the past 10 years odd. The "mall" near my house is never what you may consider as a "lively" marketplace. Out of the 3 煮炒 stalls within this mall, only one is considered "not too bad" to my preference, the other 2 are simply not up to standard. It was this 煮炒 stall (量记) that was featured on the food show last Wednesday.

Seriously speaking, their food is nice but nothing to create a big "woo ha" about. From what I've observed over the years, the stall does have their pool of regular patrons. After their exposure on TV last Wednesday, people flocked to this little coffee shop, overcrowding the whole place. 量记even had to place tables and chairs outside of the coffee shop to satisfy the overwhelming crowd. I guess it is in the culture of Singaporeans to follow the crowd. For one, I, sometimes have the urge to try out some of the places featured on TV. But how my verdict of the food is, is another story.

The other 3 wonder ladies in my family decided to have 量记 and I was literally "forced fed". Haha.. Will I be harvested for my foie gras? That aside, this is what we've ordered.

Marmite Pork Ribs (Marmite 排骨)

The pork ribs are soft and tender. The sauce is not like anything I've tasted before. Although it's Marmite, but the chef also added honey which could be why the Marmite taste isn't that strong. What's bad about this dish is that there's a strong "smelly" pork taste.

九杞蛋花汤

This is normal vegetable soup. Nothing special. Not fantastic but it's not awful either.

Stir Fry Kai Lan with Garlic (蒜荣芥兰)

Their vegetables have always been ok to me. They don't overcook it like other stalls and retain the nutrients. Most people don't like it this way as the "grass" taste of the vegetable remains. This is the "large" portion which still seems small to me.

Fried Calamari in Cereal (麦片苏东)

This is a new combination to me, not sure if it is available at other places. All in all, the squid is fresh. The dish smells nice as basil leaves was added when frying the cereal I guess. I like this dish second to the 芥兰.

Prawn and Pork in Beancurd Skin (虾枣)

Ahhh... Mummy's all-time favorite. The prawn and pork ratio is just nice and the meat is still juicy after being deep-fried. Perhaps it wasn't rolled properly, so the meat tends to fall apart.

It isn't something which I will say is extremely nice but as a normal meal, it is indeed more than enough. I ended up finishing my whole plate of rice which is something I seldom do nowadays.

Objective of this post? Nothing. Posting for the sake of posting. I've actually written something else but not in the correct mood to post that, so I've decided to post something mundane. Whatever I've written can wait a few days more. Peace.

Don't (Be)little Me.

Apologies people, my laptop died on Monday (5/10) hence explaining why I couldn't be very much online for the past week (unless I hijack either Elaine's or Mad's laptop). The past week was weird, somehow my incoherency shifted from my writing to my behavior. It was literally like an internal conflict between the good versus bad alter-egos. Almost to the extend of the very cliche portrayal of the 'angel' and 'devil' sitting on my shoulders squabbling (haha... nonsense =P).

I have always been contented with my pace of living. Even though it may seem boring to most people, but the significant thing is, I had him with me. Honestly, the rest didn't matter at all - where we're going, what we're doing, what to have for dinner, what movie should we watch and so forth. The thought of spending time with him over the weekends was what motivated and pushed me through the weekdays over the years. Life is boring. It is up to ourselves to make it interesting. More essentially (to me lar) is who you spend it with. And it was the littlest things in our interaction and life which I derived pleasures and satisfaction from.

Time seemed to have slowed down after my lappy died. There's like practically nothing I can do. I don't like to watch tv to start with. The programs I watch, aren't the ones my parents nor sisters do. Heh.. really have to thank the people who have been accompanying me through the week hor, especially Madeline hor... Haha... willing to share lappy with me and provide me with entertainment somemore. And thanks for being my "manager" yar (LOL u know what I mean ::wink::). And thanks JS for forsakening sleep for 2 nights. Paiseh paiseh lar.. hahah.. I don't wana jeopardize your job hor.

I think that shall conclude my post for the week. Lazy to write in proper english and Elaine needs to use her laptop. Need to think of how to pass my time le. Haha.. no safari, no cartoon, no dublin mudslide (bleh.. i just wana say de leh.. u bite me lor =P). Peace.

(Un)Natural Selection Process?!

News Article - NewScientist.com
Actual Journal Article - Journal of Experimental Social Psychology

I didn't want to blog and merely posted this article in the comment for "On Second Hand - Smartness" on Facebook which no one will read except maybe Xing Rong (since she'll get notification for it). This is gonna be a super long rant, longer than any previous. Haha.. so make yourself comfy.

While writing "On Second Hand - Smartness", I was seeking answers to becoming a "Smarter" girl. Some guy friends told me that some of the younger girls have taken on a liking to break up couples. At that point in time, it was their normative statement and they have no supporting evidence to convince me, apart from using their own experiences. I don't want to jump to any conclusions and just shrugged it off. Given anyone else, I don't see why they would believe either, it's such a degrading statement. Perhaps, the most compelling reason is that I don't want to see more of the new barbaric trends of the world.

My very talented, intelligent, philosophical, well-informed and good-looking (*ahem*) best friend, WY, always share interesting researches and articles with me. I was speechless when I read this article, not the usual kind of response you would get from me. Speechless because I have nothing to say (To understand this, take example of a mother scolding her substance abusing son. She'll scold and scold till one fine day, she will just stop scolding. For the mother who loves the son more than anything else to stop scolding means that she has given up). Speechless because (wo)mankind is evolving way too fast and out of hand. Whether it is positive or negative, it is up to your personal interpretation and perspective after reading the article.

Let me do a summary for the lazy buggers (^_^) reading my blog. Melissa Burkley and Jessica Parker of Oklahoma State University in Stillwater conducted a study to establish the credibility of this "mate-poaching" urban legend that has been around for sometime. 184 heterosexual students were invited to participate in what was known to them as a "sexual attraction" study (obviously a lie so that subjects are likely to response in a truthful manner). There's an equal number of male and female, and equal number of single and attached participants in each gender group. The only thing told to them was that a computer program will match them with an ideal partner. What they don't know is that everyone will be shown the same (same "man" for the female participants, same "woman" for the male) fictitious "ideal partner" tailored to their preferred interests. The only thing that differs is the relationship status of the fictitious character, half of the participants were told he/she is single whereas the other half were told that he/she is attached. The men's results are quite predictable, they don't care whether their target was already attached or not, they're just keen on pursuing new target. On the contrary, the outcome for single women is astounding (at least to me). When the "man" is single, 59% of them were interested in taking the relationship further. But when the same "man" is attached, 90% of these single ladies are up for the challenge. (WTH?)

As quoted, Melissa and Jessica offered 2 (speculated) explanations in their research papers:

"Single women may be more drawn to attached men because they've already been "pre-screened" by other women and found to be satisfactory as a mate, whereas single men are more of an unknown quantity. Similar mate-poaching strategies have been reported in birds and fish."

Even though this explanation is speculated (further research will be carry out to test this hypothesis) but considering the stereotyped traits of modern women, this actually makes sense. I wouldn't be surprised if the hypothesis is accepted in future research. Come on, single ladies! This is not shopping time, you are not shopping for a product! You don't need our stamp of approval or guarantee chop! It's like even when a girl friend tells you that a particular product (let's say cosmetics) is great, you also need to get your own and not simply take it from others, isn't it? What if the "unwanted" girlfriend does the same to other couples, wouldn't it just end up in a vicious cycle? What are you girls thinking?

So similar mate-poaching strategies have been reported in the animal world. Does that gives us the legitimacy to behave the same way? We are humans. Haven't we long considered ourselves to be one notch higher? Then why act in the same manner? Please don't tell me all single ladies are animal activists. Nonetheless, either way is so contradicting.

"In US society, women are socialized to be competitive, so they derive self-esteem by mate poaching from rival women."

In another word, men are trophies now? So what do you want with the "trophies" after winning? Chuck them aside? If they are to be treated like sh*t, please remember that the same piece of sh*t is black gold to some people (别人的宝，你当草？). My interpreted revealed truth about this speculation is worse than the first, which is they don't even necessarily need to like the man in the first place, just snatch them over for self-gratification first and decides what to do with them later. I have absolutely no clue what they might do. Maybe it's still possible to fall madly in love, get married, have tons of kids and live happily ever after? Who knows what's on their mind when their thinking is so bizarre and weird.

But does the above spells good news to feminists? That women are now starting to objectify men, the way men objectify women for God-knows-how-long. Ask for equality, and now you get equality. Is this the next "in" thing for women to do, succeeding "relationships without feelings" which they have previously learned from men? To be fair, I want to highlight that the study is conducted in US, and might not hold high accuracy for Asia's context. How "asian" is our country then when we are known to be westernized (apart from being geographically located in Asia)? Many people said that our country is still conservative in thinking. Haven't they realized the conservativeness comes from mainly older generations (Baby bloomers and part of X-ers)? People at my age know how delinquent and open minded some of the Generation Y or Millennial can be. Beneath our conservative, moral surface, the imps are evidently wrecking havoc.

From the academic point of view, I have not a wee bit of doubt that the research outcomes are indeed interesting and thought-provoking (see how it provoked mine). On a personal level, this research reflects a selfish, sick, twisted, survival of the fittest phenomenon in the society.

But a part of me is still trapped in self-denial that this is actually happening in real life simply because I don't understand why. Be it the natural selection process or the imposed unnatural conditions that cause this behavior, but why?! SL told me the Chinese saying "人不为己天诛地灭" (Every man for himself, and the devil takes the hindmost), but I believe in the utilitarian approach and that's why I will be wiped out? That's sad... and what's going to happen to the future world? Will the society revert to having arranged marriages which have significantly much lower divorce rates compared to our modern romantic relationships? Or are we going to revert to being cave(wo)man-like and knock out any man we want with a club?

This is a scary, crazy, messed up world.

PS: Thank you for reading till the end and enduring my nonsense. ^_^