Inside of Adelene

4-in-1 Birthday Present!

2011-05-26T01:35:00.002+08:00

I know this is rather outdated but thank you my dear friends, family and all for your well wishes. I had an unforgettable birthday this year! We don't exactly celebrate my birthdays previously, be it with Ed or my family. So this year's birthday was rather special and came as a surprise. It was sooo sweet of Ed to have arranged for the lovely cruise within such short period (awww... =)). He had meant for it to be a surprise... but since I just started my new job not too long ago, he had to ask if I could be excused from work for 2 days. Nevertheless, I appreciates his efforts and the wonderful present!

Ed knew I've always wanted to go on a cruise and had chosen Royal Caribbean. No doubt the cruise is only for 3N but we get to visit Penang and Malacca which were places I've yet got the chance to visit before. That was really thoughtful of him. =) I really enjoyed how we can just go around doing whatever we like on the ship. Eat, swim, gamble, explore, watch shows, ogle at guys/girls, eat some more or just chill at the deck, enjoying the sea breeze. Even when at Penang or Malacca, we were just roaming around randomly, doing what we deemed fit. Some might say "it's just a cruise" but it's not just any cruise. This cruise gave me the best present of all -- spending quality time with Ed, away from work, away from the bustling city. That's what denotes this 4-in-1 birthday present as priceless. No Kate Spade or LV bag can replace the experiences and memories the cruise had given me.

People reading this off FB, feel free to view the photos which are sorted by the day they occurred in. Details of the trip are posted there instead of here to retain some privacy. *roll eyes* Hahaha.. Anyone thinking of cruising should totally go on Royal Caribbean.

Peace.

Hang In There

2011-05-12T01:43:00.001+08:00

Back to Bore!

2011-05-05T05:45:00.000+08:00

DISCLAIMER: This blog is set up to share personal thoughts on various topics, ranging from (personal) life to the society, science to philosophy. I have, by no means, any intention of flaming, defaming, accusing and insulting any individual. The blog and me are also in no way affiliated to any constituencies of any sort.

Dear beloved friends, family, random readers and what-have-you-not(s), Adeline is in the house again! I know.. I know.. I've yet again disappeared for another 1 year, pronouncing my blog temporarily dead. No doubt my hectic job as a research assistant is partly accountable for my disappearance but it was mainly due to my internal conflict as to why keep a blog at all. Since I'm free for a short while, why not write something?

With the recent heated political discussions, there's so much being written by various parties, legitimate or not. No, this post is not going to be one which urges you for vote for a particular party. Neither am I going to list down all good/bad "evidences" from the ruling/opposition party, instead I would like to call out to my friends (especially those active on FB) to read everything carefully.

Needless to say, mainstream media has always been skewed towards the government's favor. In times of GE, the media coverage on ruling party almost always outweighs the opposition parties. Eg., someone was previously ranting to me that 2/3 of the evening news segment was devoted to the ruling party walkabouts and what not. Even if they did not want to report on opposition parties, there are more intriguing news around the world than their silly walkabouts. And yes, I agree with him. Of course you can do coverage on local (political) scenes but at the same time, I would still want to see global news. The earth doesn't stop revolving just because we're holding GE. Worse still, when they do report on opposition parties, they cherry-pick (Is cherry-picking in trend now?). I am not siding the opposition parties but for mainstream media, it is supposed to make unbiased and objective reports; it is up to the audience to make judgments. See this analogy for example, a mother had been seen hitting her child in public because her child had spat in face her and called her "b*tch" earlier on when she refused to buy the child a toy. Instead of reporting the full story, the media only reports the news as "mother seen hitting child in public" without providing any other information. You realize how different the response will potentially be? This is perhaps why we see a rise in alternative online voices such as The Online Citizen (TOC) and Temasek Review (TR). Even so, mainstream media still holds the main responsibilities of dutifully reporting the full story. Much of our seniors have no idea how to surf the net, many doesn't even know how to use the computer and some doesn't even have internet or a computer for that matter (yes they still exist).

On the point of alternative online voices, they too, share the responsibilities with mainstream media. I did my fair bit of reading online but my concerns does not really lies in TOC or TR although their reports are also mainly on the opposition parties but as far as I can see, they seem to be just reporting the events as it is or patching up the holes left by mainstream media (I might have missed out badly written ones, do enlighten me). What irks me most are people, members of the public, the young and "supposedly" highly educated people, writing about their political views. Now don't get me wrong, it is perfectly alright to say what you want, in fact I read a number of well written, well researched pieces around but please please please please! Check the facts before making any statements! Do not make claims you are not certain of and definitely not based it on hearsay. Do have the decency to read into the matter else it'll result in you (innocently?) making false claims. And oh well, yes, do not cherry-pick just so the post is more convincing. It could be knowingly or unknowingly, I don't know but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, just don't cherry-pick. In any case, many of them did state at the start (just like I did) that those were of their personal POVs. However, we have to understand that not all people have the time to source for the accurate information and might just take the authors' words for real. Just today, one of my friend told me he felt disgusted that LTK does not have a plan for Aljunied GRC when its people seems to have so much faith in him. And yup, he got that information from some random notes floating in FB. Quite apparently, it didn't state LTK's rationale in making this statement (I explained to my friend subsequently). This is an example of the response we get when we're irresponsible for what we write. Now imagine this on a collective basis. *sighs*

Now readers do plays a part too. When we read, do not take everything written as the truth. Many times, it is the authors' own opinions; it should/might not stand for yours. Exercise critical thinking -- what is the author trying to say, where is the author trying to lead me, how much sense does it makes. When in doubt of any claims made, try to do your own research if you have the time. If you don't, well, don't take the note seriously then, take it as a reference.

And so, I say this. You read my post. Don't take it too seriously. Read it with a pinch of salt. Do your own research. Observe what's happening around you and make your own stand. Regardless what others say, you do not need anyone to tell you better. Happy voting!

Peace.

*Do note that I deliberately do not want to quote any articles in particular*

Creaming of the Mushrooms

2010-04-01T04:18:00.003+08:00

1. Melt half of the Butter in pot and saute the sliced mushrooms till soft. Remove from heat and reserve.
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2. Melt remaining Butter. Saute Onions till translucent and add in the diced mushrooms. Continue till mushrooms turned soft.
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3. Returned sliced mushrooms to pot. Add desired amount of Salt to taste. (I did not add any Salt as the butter is salted and chicken stock itself is already very high in sodium content.)
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4. Slowly add in All-Purpose Flour, stirring constantly (I've approximately added about 4-5 tablespoons. You might need to adjust the amount accordingly depending on how much water you are going to add in). Consistency should be smooth and not lumpy.
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5. Add in Chicken Stock while not forgetting to stir constantly (I've also added about 500ml of water as I think it's too salty). Simmer over low-mid heat, taking care NOT to boil the soup. Stir till mixture thickens.
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6. Stir in the Cream slowly, bit by bit. Then add in whichever herb you've chosen and desired amount of pepper. Continue stirring for another 2-3 minutes till pepper "blended in". The consistency of the soup should be thick and smooth.
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7. Ladle into soup bowl and serve with toasted french loaf or garlic bread.
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Taste is quite similar to the canned version but it is not as salty so it's healthier. Mushroom lovers will love this recipe as there's a whole load of mushrooms. For a relatively small eater, it is sufficient to be a meal by itself for me although I wouldn't mind having some greens like French peas or Broccoli to go with it.

Overall, a very simple recipe with readily available ingredients. The only con is to stir it continuously. It is rather time-consuming so I guess the not-so healthy canned version will have to satisfy cravings of busy working adults for the time being. =P

Peace.

Oh Snap! Self Slap

2010-03-30T06:42:00.001+08:00

DISCLAIMER: This blog is set up to share personal thoughts on various topics, ranging from (personal) life to the society, science to philosophy. I have, by no means, any intention of flaming, defaming, accusing and insulting any individuals. The blog and me are also in no way affiliated to any constituencies of any sort.

With the closing of one chapter, comes another chapter. I've always claim to have not enough time to blog quality posts, so with this time slot between the closure of the previous chapter till the next chapter, I should supposedly have sufficient time to do so. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean to suggest that I've forsaken my blog nor do I have nothing interesting to rant about. It just so occurred to me that the very basis of my personal objective of blogging has been challenged (doesn't mean it has been nullified). Hence, resulting in this delayed post.

Apart from updating friends and relatives on my recent developments, the more compelling rationale of having this blog is to share my thoughts on various topics/issues and preferably invoke others to join in the discussion or at the very least, prompt them to THINK. As Martin Heidegger suggested, we have to think; it is the only way and I somewhat agree. At this moment, within our limited knowledge of the world, it is arguably the only process which denotes us -- the Homo Sapiens, as the highest form of living life on Earth. "Cogito, ergo sum", isn't it? But what the reality reflects is far from that.

I suppose we can say that humans are utilizing our brains more and more; that's why our technology are advancing at an accelerated rate (compared to say, 50 years back?). But what is this percentage of these people in the whole humankind? Vast majority of us have to admit that we have become lazier and lazier WITH the advancement of technology. For a very very simple example, most of us rely on calculators now (I'm one of which). What about intangible elements like perhaps a thought or an idea? I'm not trying to play with words here. Indeed, you can "think" a thought, why not? When you received or rather, perceived a message via any form of media -- newspapers, internet, television, whatever, their ultimate objective is to instill a thought! How many of us are guilty of absorbing whatever is thrown in our face without thinking? Or more importantly, how many still practice the very-much-sought-after process of critical thinking? Although it is almost impossible to exercise critical thinking at all times, we still have to exercise it whenever possible and especially when the related matter is crucial. First step to doing so is to first identify the concealment of the first concealment else critical thinking would not be possible (refer to Beneath the Spoken Truth).

Then again, based on Jean Baudrillard's critique, people are going to rebound at some point if we force them to think (I feel that this statement works on pretty much everything). His proposed solution is to each his own, good for you if you choose to think but it wouldn't hurt if you are not going to too. There's a certain truth to his solution which I agree since it is up to everyone's personal choice as to whether to think. I can't force everyone to think and certainly not to see things the way I do but if you don't think, you'll just remain stagnant and be led around blindly by those who does.

And this comes back to my point, if it is everyone's choice to think, why would I want to write and probe people to think? For if they had already chosen not to think, there's a high chance that whatever I write will just appear as bullcrap to them. Or if they are already thinkers, whatever I write will probably be slam left, right, center by them (since they exercise critical thinking) instead of sharing opinions constructively and ideally, contributing to the pool of thoughts. Whichever way, it is still a lose-lose situation. I might as well be better off keeping my thinking and thoughts to myself (see? another paradox). So tell me, how can I not be internally contradicted?

So what do you "think"? (Contradiction intended)

Peace.

So like.. erm.. "Pokemons are evil"? =D

2010-02-10T05:28:00.004+08:00

The following post will discuss several sensitive religion issues. If you think you will probably be offended by sensitive contents, you are now given a choice to cease reading and click the little "x" at the top left corner of your tab.

DISCLAIMER: This blog is set up to share personal thoughts on various topics, ranging from (personal) life to the society, science to philosophy. I have, by no means, any intention of flaming, defaming, accusing and insulting any individuals. The blog and me are also in no way affiliated to any constituencies of any sort.

Although coming from a family with Taoism background, I am however, a free thinker but by no means, a non-believer. To this point in life, I am most receptive towards Christianity and Buddhism but have also deduced a set of personal beliefs when it comes to religions. This post will discuss the recent heated issue of Pastor Rony criticizing Buddhism. I will attempt to look at the situation and the criticized issues in the most impartial manner, contributing what I know of the 2 religions to shed light on any misconception created via the episode. If my analysis appears skewed, it is most likely because his perception is skewed/bias.

Buddhism is a way of life or rather, if you please, a philosophy of life. Unlike MOST religions, Buddha stated he is not god; one should not idolize him (i.e. don't pray to him). He is unbiased and just. Anyone can/will reach nirvana (enlighten state) regardless what religion you take on or who you pray to as long as the way of life is practiced and understood. In order to attain nirvana, one don't question how to get there nor when will get there, just like how/why it is inappropriate to question God why are you suffering. In another word, nirvana is to be attain when one practice the way of life and mediation without the objective of attaining nirvana (sad to say, the interviewee will most likely not reach nirvana even if he had persevere on). Even if there is no promise of attaining nirvana, there is absolutely nothing wrong with mediation and leading a virtuous life anyway. Just like in Christianity, if you want a ticket to go(o)d life after passing on, don't you have to pray on a constant basis too (everyone can see that it's at least once per week)?

Assuming one has attained nirvana, one will not know nor tell the difference as everything is different yet everything is the same as suggested by the very basis of Buddhism. Hence, the monks might not knowingly know that they have attained nirvana and asked of the interviewee to merely accept it. Likewise, can I ask, does God really exist? Can you show me the way there? Or can you prove that he really exist(ed)? There is a high chance that I'll be answered with "You need to believe in Him. He'll exist when you believe in Him". So basically, that is also asking me to merely accept the fact, isn't it? It is the same for both religions then (Pastor Rony probably wasn't thinking straight when he made the statement since it's quite an obvious LPPL situation he discussed).

Moving on, one, like Pastor Rony, can easily argue that karma does not exist but simply a reason to brush questionings off because no one have or rather, can prove that karma is the basic clockwork that model(ed) our lives (yet). Our present life is not entirely based on our doings in past lives, but also on how we lead our current life and of course, our responses to the challenges which were a resultant of previous lives. Coming to the issues of challenges in life, that reminded me that I once questioned a guy who told me that God loves me a great deal and preached me for god-knows-how-long (He should, right? =P): "If He loves me so much, why did He put so many challenges and sufferings in my life? How can He bear to see me in pain?". And this is what I was told: "Because He wants you to learn from them and with them, you will become a stronger person. You just need to ask and He will quip you with the strength needed to overcome the challenges." I have to admit that I was pretty touched by the logical explanation and presumably went "awww...." at the back of my mind. Sooo.... (donning on SY's accent) if that explanation works for Christians, why can't it work for their Buddhist counterparts?

Perhaps our present lives are indeed preset by our doings in past lives, but isn't that a reason, more legitimate than "I want you to be stronger so you have to undergo these challenges"? How do you even determine whether a person is "strong" enough anyway? Going back to our "preset" present lives in Buddhism, it can be remodeled by the way you lead your present life or rewired by the responses to these challenges. Although Buddha will not give you the strength, however he will show you the way and well, he did (Buddha's way of life).

Quoted: "How could you ever learn from your past life if you don't know what/who you were or what you did (wrong) in your past life? You can only learn when you know who/what you were and what you did that was wrong, right?". Wrong, well, Macaroni Pasta , I have to say, you need to think further and deeper. Yes, there's definitely a higher chance of correcting the mistake if one knows what was done wrong. BUT is the person genuinely "learning"? Or more so because he/she knows the "thing" they did wrong, was precisely what landed them in this shitty life and will obviously carry out the "right" actions this time round when presented with challenges so they could possibly jump out of the wheel of reincarnation? Are they then wiser if they are knowing (arguably yes, looking at the way they would possibly cheat the system. lol)? Confusing? Consider this analogy then: A man who has the urge to kill but doesn't kill because he knows he will be sentence to death. We can see that he does not kill because he knows he will be punish; not because he knows it is wrong to kill. Now consider the opposite: A man who doesn't know he would be sentenced to death in the eyes of law for murdering but yet doesn't kill anyway. Here, you can see that it isn't the justice system that's preventing him from killing but rather, he genuinely knows that harming another life is not appropriate. And I really don't understand the first part to his question. Even if you know what/who you were, what difference will it make? Does it makes you dumber and slower in learning if you were an amoeba?

The bible says "Men and women are equal". So did Buddhism -- "All lives are equal (众生皆平等)". Shouldn't he do, at least, a bit of research before making a statement?

Anyway I only have time to sit through the first 5mins of his taped speech and there are already enough materials to pen a post on it but I would still watch the remaining when I have the time just to make sure that this post is just to Mr. Rony (can I even title him Pastor anymore?) and whoever is reading. Another thing to be mentioned, Mr. Rony led the interviewee on by constantly asking close-ended questions instead of letting the man speak freely. However, I would think that the interviewee's English language is not as strong as to allow him to express himself accurately too. There is a possibility that this handicap in turn led to Mr. Rony thinking that Buddhism is a joke. It could also be that Mr. Rony misinterpreted the received messages due to his preconceived notion about Buddhism. The possibilities are endless; we don't know and wouldn't know whose fault it is to be exact. Then again, why would it matter anyway? Just believe in whichever religion (if any) that holds truth to you, be happy about it and lead your life the way you want it. No matter how absurd another religion might sound, always remember, just be happy with yours.

With this, I wish every reader a Happy Lunar New Year. Peace.

What's Difficult?

2009-12-31T03:38:00.029+08:00

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Ingredients I've chosen includes: Cabbage (Vit C), Carrots (Vit A), Onions (all rounder wonder veggie), Tomatoes (antioxidants), Celery (lowers blood pressure), Potatoes, Beef, Chicken Stock, Tomato Paste or Puree and Basil Leaves.

You are free to add or remove any ingredients you desire, in fact I encourage creativity. For those who worried about the strong celery taste tainting the soup, fret not, I guarantee you wouldn't even have problem eating it in Borscht (check with Ed if unconvinced. Haha..). You can cut the veggies any way you like, I prefer to chunk them for this recipe except for cabbage. /shrug

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1. Scald the Beef in boiling water for approximately 5mins to remove "blood" and 腥味. This will help reduce the brown foam/froth when stewing later on. Let cool the beef and process into desired size.

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2. Sautee Onions and Tomatoes in Olive oil until onions turn translucent before adding the beef and remaining vegetables.

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3. I would prefer beef stock to chicken stock. Nonetheless, add chicken stock to mixture and fill pot with water to approximately 5cm beneath the brim. (I think I've added about 2litres of water? Paiseh I don't usually measure. Haha.. This is a Large pot, enough for 8-10 servings of the soup.) Bring to boil over High Heat then turn to LOW heat and simmer for 3 hours. Remove any brown foam/froth in the process.

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4. The "water level" will drop for obvious reason. Now add the Tomato Paste or Puree (see which you prefer) to soup. Season with desired amount of Salt, Pepper and Spices (I used Basil Leaves, you can use Bay Leaves or those premixed herbs). Tame the soup with Sugar if it's too tangy to your liking. Cover and simmer for another 20-30 mins before serving. (Ed thinks I'll poison him with my nail color -.-|)

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Viola! A well-balanced, appetite whetting, tangy, tomato-based Hong Kong style Borscht Soup is ready to be serve. It got Ed to down 3 bowls of it even after a hearty dinner. I really 服了 you. Even though I only had half a bowl of porridge, I only drank 1 bowl. You power, you good. Haha..

Mummy likes the soup too albeit the "lack" of meat. She thought I should add more meat next time. Hahaha.. /shrug. The very fortunate Mister WY who always get to enjoy my cooking also likes it too (ur tongue very hard to please, was actually surprised when u said it's good. =x). Heehee.. this is the simple joy I derive from cooking, especially when cooking for your love ones.

To ALL readers (not just females): Cooking is really very simple. Man should cook too. It is especially rewarding when you see your love ones enjoying your cooking. Perhaps start with something simple like a salad or cookies? Then can add to your New Year Resolution le. Heehee... =)

With this, I shall conclude my blog for the year of 2009.

Let's hope 2010 will really be as good as it appears to be.

Peace,

Adeline

Silenced the Silent Silencing

2009-12-23T06:00:00.017+08:00

Apologies for neglecting my blog for so long again even when I promised to write after exams. At the back of my head, I already know what I wana write for this post whilst writing my previous post. Rather, I was contemplating if it is appropriate for me to announce to the whole world the major events that happened in my relationship for the past 3 years. Apart from friends and relatives whom I know read my blog, I wouldn't know if people who aren't supposed to know about the incidents read them too. After much internal turmoil, I've decided that it's time to make them known to all. Do bear in mind that I am not trying to commit the much critique mistake of victimizing anyone but to account to the people who care for me, supported me mentally and emotionally throughout the 3 years. Hence, the objective of this post is NOT to shame/fault/blame anyone.

If you think you can't handle my side of the story, you are now given a choice to cease reading and click the little "x" at the top left corner of your tab.

DISCLAIMER: This blog is set up to share personal thoughts on various topics, ranging from (personal) life to the society, science to philosophy. I have, by no means, any intention of flaming, defaming, accusing and insulting any individuals. The blog and me are also in no way affiliated to any constituencies of any sort.

This is going to appear fragmented as I attempt to guide you through the major events throughout the 3 years. For SX and some, I will TRY to refrain from using "chim" words. =)

It's true that both of us knew each other online through World of Warcraft. We started off as friends chatting ingame and on MSN, giving each other advice to our own relationships (we were then both attached to our individual partners ). Funny how things turned out, we developed liking for each other even before meeting in real life. However, that doesn't give evidence to the widely misconceived "truth" that I was the 3rd party to his relationship. Why, I can say he's the 3rd party to my relationship in that sense too, isn't it? (No, he wasn't the 3rd party to my relationship. This question is posted as an analogy.) I don't blame his parents for being misguided to believe that I destroyed their son's relationship due to the things that was said behind my back (by *someone* Names will not be quoted). I wanted very much to tell his parents what exactly happened but was never given a chance to or was hushed. And I thought to myself sillily that it is him whom I fell in love with; his parents will come to see how well I've treated him. But that never happen even when it's apparent that I showered him with love and care.

After the end of his previous relationship, I was persuaded to join him in Australia for his last semester. To me, being/living together with my love one(s) is the center pillar of my life (I'm worried about my family and my then ailing grandmother too). However, I agreed readily with little persuasion and by a feeble affirmation of his love. Merely 1 week upon arriving in Australia, he confessed that he was still very much in love with ex-gf and would like to be with her again. I won't go into details describing my feelings back then (I'm not trying to terrorize or victimize anyone.. hahah..). In the end, I endured on, encouraged him to go back to her, taught him how to "court" her back. At the same time, I took care of his meals (erm yes, I can cook) and the rented apartment. All because I believe if I really love a person, I would do the things needed to provide him with happiness.

We were separated for a period of time when I was forced to leave Aussie and it was mutually agreed upon that our relationship will end the moment I left. However, we got back together when he returned to Singapore. Although we then enjoyed being together for approximately 2 years odd, it was frequently punctuated with petty quarrels/arguments that resulted from minor disagreements, coupled with threats of ending the relationship from both sides. I was very much an irrational person (I don't know if I still am..) and do things based on what my heart tells me instead of thinking through. I am sensitive to the minor changes in his tone and behavior, therefore could tell straight away when something is not right. Things finally ended when a young mysterious female figure entered his life and I posed him with the question of "Would you be happier without me in your life?" No, I did not associate her in the equation at that point in time as he had repeatedly assured that there was nothing going on even before the question was brought up. As it seem, I found out that that statement was false 3 days after the breakup.

After he laid things out plainly for me, I took myself out of their equation and ceased communications. The first contact came via MSN, 12 days after the breakup date. I could tell he wasn't happy even before he spoke to me judging from his MSN nick. I know and I understand why many of you said that I should not contact him anymore but I just can't bring myself to deny a person, whom I love dearly, of attention, care and concern. That resulted in some of you deeming me as a stupid, helplessly romantic fool in love remember? From then on, I stood by him as a best friend, a listening ear and an adviser, listening to problems, giving advice to improving his ongoing courtship (again) and tapping into my analytical skills to shed a "brighter" light on his relationship. Even so, I was chided a couple of times for saying things which is of truth to me (later on proven to be true) yet not so kind on his ears and to be rebuked with "Even if there's a wall in front of me, just let me go bang it." And so, I understood what you guys said and withdrew communications from him again.

There are quite a number of details which I've intentionally left out so as to protect the reputation of the personnel involved (No 2 individuals think the same, I know they might feel otherwise). I know a lot of details of which some I'm not supposed to know and which they most likely hope/think I don't. Similarly, that is also why I've chosen to leave out why he choose to be with me again. Although there is a possibility that I might write about that too if things are as true as confided. For if they are true, our relationship will then be an even though grueling and Sisyphean but yet incredibly sweet and unbelievably romantic love path we've undertaken together.

Here, I would like to end with a note of appreciation dedicated to my Mum, my auntie, my sisters (whom I've grown closer to after the breakup), WY and SX (ok lar.. u 2 more special) for enduring the troubles I posted during depression and my stubbornness of going against the advice given. I understand perfectly that you guys just want me to be happy like how all I've wanted was for him to be happy. I seek your magnanimosity, understanding and forgiveness that it is no longer about me or him being happy. I want both of us to be happy and that will not come without a price nor hardship but it will, I believe, if we can both endure on and surpass the (emotional) obstacles. Additionally, if we hadn't experienced what we've experienced, we will not treasure what we have. Without failure, how would you know what is success?

PS: Post is written over a span of 5 days. Events that happened during the writing period do not alter the initial intention of penning this post and shall not be attributed to the creation of this post.

"What is grand is necessarily obscure to weak men. That which
can be made explicit to the idiot is not worth my care. "
- William Blake, An English Poet, 1757-1827

Prologue: Breaking the Silence

2009-11-17T21:57:00.012+08:00

Not that I have a lot of time on hand now, but I shall write as much as I can. It seems to me that when I remove my disclaimer, the whole world (* "the whole world" is used metaphorically*) thinks that I'm writing about them when I wasn't . My language is not as bad as to not show that what was written is in the general sense. Bizarre as it is, I'm not exactly surprised. The only surprising thing is that we, humans don't subject ourselves to the same set of faults when we are faulting others (well, not really surprising too since I've mentioned it before in prev posts). And yes, I'm aware that I am too, bounded by this conformity (at least I'm aware of my own limitations just as the humans scholars).

DISCLAIMER: This blog is set up to share personal thoughts on various topics, ranging from (personal) life to the society, science to philosophy. I have, by no means, any intention of flaming, deflaming, accusing and insulting any individuals. The blog and me are also in no way affiliated to any constituencies of any sort.

Amid the Microecons notes, a little birdie told me that an interesting phenomenon took place in this digitized dimension and I should be careful of what I write or password lock my blog. But I don't see the rationale of performing either suggestions for they're contradicting with why the blog exists. Amusingly absurd, I say. For one to publicize one's life/thoughts/insights on the internet, it is as good as authorizing any tom, dick, harry the legitimacy to intrude. If I ain't aware of that in the first place, I would have issue access rights to the selected few to start with. Then again, what's the point of doing that when my objective is to share my life/thoughts/insights with the world? Perhaps, the most compelling reason is that the internet is probably the only "place" in this current era which allows a certain degree of freedom of speech (compared to traditional media aka newspaper). Not implying that everyone should start posting nonsense on the net (sif there isn't enough already) because we are still being monitored by higher authority. Just like how it took me a night of contemplation, deciding whether to publish "5 'C's of the Society" for fear that it might land me in political trouble.

Regardless if I have consciously choose to remain silence (screening what I write) or forcefully being silenced, either way, it doesn't mean that I'm oblivious to what's happening around me or that I'm submitting myself to what's being said or done. JQ said the whole saga is really 狗咬吕洞宾 (not knowing who's helping you in actual fact) but I only said 不知者无罪 (the ignorant shall not be faulted). What he said thereafter did shed some light and it dawned upon me that by keeping quiet or not actively retaliating the silencing force, everything will just remain as a vicious cycle. Or if you're malicious enough, you can simply put it as "why continue to be the good person for another person when that person is the person pointing the finger at you" (haha.. I purposely wrote in that manner =P is that Spivak's style too? Hmm..).

In preparation for examinations and my As, this post shall also serves as a brief explanation to my friends and relatives. Fret not, the next post will be intricate and gives a clearer picture. And I will attempt to write in simpler sentences so that no one will complain having to shuffle between the blog and dictionary. (LoLz... helping you guys expand vocabulary also kkz? =P)

The same old question that I've asked over and over again remains: How many people really understand the core essence of my post(s)? Adding on to that, who will then, continue to contextualize my post(s) to feed the narcissism and self-centricity to contribute to the force(s) in order to maintain the position as the sun, with the world revolving around.

Lost Posts

2009-11-06T15:17:00.003+08:00

Apologies to all (yes all means all, even those who can't understand my writings) for not updating my blog on a constant basis. I have many things to share/report/update/victimize/terrorize (*delete accordingly) but there were too many assignments due, one after another. I simply couldn't find the time to blog. On a side note, I usually take up to half a day to write a Quality post so I reckon I'll just focus on work first instead of posting junk for the sake of merely updating. To date, 5 assignments have been completed and submitted, the last will be due next week. After which, I would probably have time for 1 or 2 post(s) before hell starts all over again.

Apparently, some "readers" do have difficulties understanding my writing/ideas. I shan't fault anyone as I've said misinterpretation is always present. It is perfectly alright to have a different mindset from mine as no 2 individuals think exactly the same way (I've stated this countless times). However, bear in mind that there is absolutely no need to hurl verbal abuses or accusations. What goes around comes around. Karma works in the most amazing way. It was never easy and never will be but try you must, to take a step back, revise the things you've done and you'll realized why you are experiencing the consequences now. 有因就有果. Things don't happen for no reasons. The world and the people around you, don't owe anyone anything. People might think that I'm stupid if I should decide to post what happened to me in details (which I don't intend to, else I'll be making the mistake of victimization as I've criticized) but that is your thinking and this is what differentiates me from the world, this is what makes me unique. I am not narcissistic and never attempt to make everyone loves me, neither am I thick-skinned enough to say that everyone will love me. I am who I am. This is who I am. This is Adeline Lin.

黯然的海龟

2009-10-15T18:35:00.003+08:00

Yes, I wrote this! Haha.. in fact, I wrote this earlier this year in Jan when he was away in Japan.

在那一览无遗的沙滩上，坐着一只海龟。它望着一群海鸥盘旋在无边无际的蓝天，寻找着自己的未来。这只海龟一时之下不禁感到遗憾，茫然。深叹不能像海鸥一样得到大自然的宠爱，能够在大自然的怀抱中自由的翱翔，来去自如。

它感叹不能像海鸥一样展翅高飞，感叹着自己的能力有限。有的只是对所爱，所关心的人，持着一颗热诚的心。虽然如此，它深信就凭着这一颗心，或许也能找到属于自己的天空。很显然的，路途中一定布满荆棘，它得凭着那炽热的心与所有的实力去克服一切困难，还得面对重重危机，偶尔也会被沉重的心情压抑着。要让自己的生活过得充实有趣，就得学会如何苦中作乐。为了喜爱的一切，为了深爱的人而付出，为了博君一笑，无论多么心酸，多么难熬，又算什么呢？

然而，海龟也只能这样，一步步慢慢地离开它所心爱的沙滩以及它所熟悉的一切，走向陌生的大海。远远地从一望无际的汪洋大海中观望着沙滩与海鸥，黯然地祈求幸福能一日降临于它们。海龟则恨下心，使劲儿地游向眼前的陌生领域。哪一天，当海鸥觅完食后，当沙滩不再拥挤时，海龟依然会回应，依然没舍弃最熟悉的沙滩。

Power of Media

2009-10-12T17:30:00.012+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder how many people actually read my blog. And those who do, how do they perceive me? Am I nice? Am I bad? Am I a cranky and eccentric weirdo who thinks too much? Or am I a sophisticated child neglected by the society?

I've been living in Hougang for the past 10 years odd. The "mall" near my house is never what you may consider as a "lively" marketplace. Out of the 3 煮炒 stalls within this mall, only one is considered "not too bad" to my preference, the other 2 are simply not up to standard. It was this 煮炒 stall (量记) that was featured on the food show last Wednesday.

Seriously speaking, their food is nice but nothing to create a big "woo ha" about. From what I've observed over the years, the stall does have their pool of regular patrons. After their exposure on TV last Wednesday, people flocked to this little coffee shop, overcrowding the whole place. 量记even had to place tables and chairs outside of the coffee shop to satisfy the overwhelming crowd. I guess it is in the culture of Singaporeans to follow the crowd. For one, I, sometimes have the urge to try out some of the places featured on TV. But how my verdict of the food is, is another story.

The other 3 wonder ladies in my family decided to have 量记 and I was literally "forced fed". Haha.. Will I be harvested for my foie gras? That aside, this is what we've ordered.

Marmite Pork Ribs (Marmite 排骨)

The pork ribs are soft and tender. The sauce is not like anything I've tasted before. Although it's Marmite, but the chef also added honey which could be why the Marmite taste isn't that strong. What's bad about this dish is that there's a strong "smelly" pork taste.

九杞蛋花汤

This is normal vegetable soup. Nothing special. Not fantastic but it's not awful either.

Stir Fry Kai Lan with Garlic (蒜荣芥兰)

Their vegetables have always been ok to me. They don't overcook it like other stalls and retain the nutrients. Most people don't like it this way as the "grass" taste of the vegetable remains. This is the "large" portion which still seems small to me.

Fried Calamari in Cereal (麦片苏东)

This is a new combination to me, not sure if it is available at other places. All in all, the squid is fresh. The dish smells nice as basil leaves was added when frying the cereal I guess. I like this dish second to the 芥兰.

Prawn and Pork in Beancurd Skin (虾枣)

Ahhh... Mummy's all-time favorite. The prawn and pork ratio is just nice and the meat is still juicy after being deep-fried. Perhaps it wasn't rolled properly, so the meat tends to fall apart.

It isn't something which I will say is extremely nice but as a normal meal, it is indeed more than enough. I ended up finishing my whole plate of rice which is something I seldom do nowadays.

Objective of this post? Nothing. Posting for the sake of posting. I've actually written something else but not in the correct mood to post that, so I've decided to post something mundane. Whatever I've written can wait a few days more. Peace.

Don't (Be)little Me.

2009-10-10T17:48:00.004+08:00

Apologies people, my laptop died on Monday (5/10) hence explaining why I couldn't be very much online for the past week (unless I hijack either Elaine's or Mad's laptop). The past week was weird, somehow my incoherency shifted from my writing to my behavior. It was literally like an internal conflict between the good versus bad alter-egos. Almost to the extend of the very cliche portrayal of the 'angel' and 'devil' sitting on my shoulders squabbling (haha... nonsense =P).

I have always been contented with my pace of living. Even though it may seem boring to most people, but the significant thing is, I had him with me. Honestly, the rest didn't matter at all - where we're going, what we're doing, what to have for dinner, what movie should we watch and so forth. The thought of spending time with him over the weekends was what motivated and pushed me through the weekdays over the years. Life is boring. It is up to ourselves to make it interesting. More essentially (to me lar) is who you spend it with. And it was the littlest things in our interaction and life which I derived pleasures and satisfaction from.

Time seemed to have slowed down after my lappy died. There's like practically nothing I can do. I don't like to watch tv to start with. The programs I watch, aren't the ones my parents nor sisters do. Heh.. really have to thank the people who have been accompanying me through the week hor, especially Madeline hor... Haha... willing to share lappy with me and provide me with entertainment somemore. And thanks for being my "manager" yar (LOL u know what I mean ::wink::). And thanks JS for forsakening sleep for 2 nights. Paiseh paiseh lar.. hahah.. I don't wana jeopardize your job hor.

I think that shall conclude my post for the week. Lazy to write in proper english and Elaine needs to use her laptop. Need to think of how to pass my time le. Haha.. no safari, no cartoon, no dublin mudslide (bleh.. i just wana say de leh.. u bite me lor =P). Peace.

(Un)Natural Selection Process?!

2009-10-04T03:14:00.008+08:00

News Article - NewScientist.com
Actual Journal Article - Journal of Experimental Social Psychology

I didn't want to blog and merely posted this article in the comment for "On Second Hand - Smartness" on Facebook which no one will read except maybe Xing Rong (since she'll get notification for it). This is gonna be a super long rant, longer than any previous. Haha.. so make yourself comfy.

While writing "On Second Hand - Smartness", I was seeking answers to becoming a "Smarter" girl. Some guy friends told me that some of the younger girls have taken on a liking to break up couples. At that point in time, it was their normative statement and they have no supporting evidence to convince me, apart from using their own experiences. I don't want to jump to any conclusions and just shrugged it off. Given anyone else, I don't see why they would believe either, it's such a degrading statement. Perhaps, the most compelling reason is that I don't want to see more of the new barbaric trends of the world.

My very talented, intelligent, philosophical, well-informed and good-looking (*ahem*) best friend, WY, always share interesting researches and articles with me. I was speechless when I read this article, not the usual kind of response you would get from me. Speechless because I have nothing to say (To understand this, take example of a mother scolding her substance abusing son. She'll scold and scold till one fine day, she will just stop scolding. For the mother who loves the son more than anything else to stop scolding means that she has given up). Speechless because (wo)mankind is evolving way too fast and out of hand. Whether it is positive or negative, it is up to your personal interpretation and perspective after reading the article.

Let me do a summary for the lazy buggers (^_^) reading my blog. Melissa Burkley and Jessica Parker of Oklahoma State University in Stillwater conducted a study to establish the credibility of this "mate-poaching" urban legend that has been around for sometime. 184 heterosexual students were invited to participate in what was known to them as a "sexual attraction" study (obviously a lie so that subjects are likely to response in a truthful manner). There's an equal number of male and female, and equal number of single and attached participants in each gender group. The only thing told to them was that a computer program will match them with an ideal partner. What they don't know is that everyone will be shown the same (same "man" for the female participants, same "woman" for the male) fictitious "ideal partner" tailored to their preferred interests. The only thing that differs is the relationship status of the fictitious character, half of the participants were told he/she is single whereas the other half were told that he/she is attached. The men's results are quite predictable, they don't care whether their target was already attached or not, they're just keen on pursuing new target. On the contrary, the outcome for single women is astounding (at least to me). When the "man" is single, 59% of them were interested in taking the relationship further. But when the same "man" is attached, 90% of these single ladies are up for the challenge. (WTH?)

As quoted, Melissa and Jessica offered 2 (speculated) explanations in their research papers:

"Single women may be more drawn to attached men because they've already been "pre-screened" by other women and found to be satisfactory as a mate, whereas single men are more of an unknown quantity. Similar mate-poaching strategies have been reported in birds and fish."

Even though this explanation is speculated (further research will be carry out to test this hypothesis) but considering the stereotyped traits of modern women, this actually makes sense. I wouldn't be surprised if the hypothesis is accepted in future research. Come on, single ladies! This is not shopping time, you are not shopping for a product! You don't need our stamp of approval or guarantee chop! It's like even when a girl friend tells you that a particular product (let's say cosmetics) is great, you also need to get your own and not simply take it from others, isn't it? What if the "unwanted" girlfriend does the same to other couples, wouldn't it just end up in a vicious cycle? What are you girls thinking?

So similar mate-poaching strategies have been reported in the animal world. Does that gives us the legitimacy to behave the same way? We are humans. Haven't we long considered ourselves to be one notch higher? Then why act in the same manner? Please don't tell me all single ladies are animal activists. Nonetheless, either way is so contradicting.

"In US society, women are socialized to be competitive, so they derive self-esteem by mate poaching from rival women."

In another word, men are trophies now? So what do you want with the "trophies" after winning? Chuck them aside? If they are to be treated like sh*t, please remember that the same piece of sh*t is black gold to some people (别人的宝，你当草？). My interpreted revealed truth about this speculation is worse than the first, which is they don't even necessarily need to like the man in the first place, just snatch them over for self-gratification first and decides what to do with them later. I have absolutely no clue what they might do. Maybe it's still possible to fall madly in love, get married, have tons of kids and live happily ever after? Who knows what's on their mind when their thinking is so bizarre and weird.

But does the above spells good news to feminists? That women are now starting to objectify men, the way men objectify women for God-knows-how-long. Ask for equality, and now you get equality. Is this the next "in" thing for women to do, succeeding "relationships without feelings" which they have previously learned from men? To be fair, I want to highlight that the study is conducted in US, and might not hold high accuracy for Asia's context. How "asian" is our country then when we are known to be westernized (apart from being geographically located in Asia)? Many people said that our country is still conservative in thinking. Haven't they realized the conservativeness comes from mainly older generations (Baby bloomers and part of X-ers)? People at my age know how delinquent and open minded some of the Generation Y or Millennial can be. Beneath our conservative, moral surface, the imps are evidently wrecking havoc.

From the academic point of view, I have not a wee bit of doubt that the research outcomes are indeed interesting and thought-provoking (see how it provoked mine). On a personal level, this research reflects a selfish, sick, twisted, survival of the fittest phenomenon in the society.

But a part of me is still trapped in self-denial that this is actually happening in real life simply because I don't understand why. Be it the natural selection process or the imposed unnatural conditions that cause this behavior, but why?! SL told me the Chinese saying "人不为己天诛地灭" (Every man for himself, and the devil takes the hindmost), but I believe in the utilitarian approach and that's why I will be wiped out? That's sad... and what's going to happen to the future world? Will the society revert to having arranged marriages which have significantly much lower divorce rates compared to our modern romantic relationships? Or are we going to revert to being cave(wo)man-like and knock out any man we want with a club?

This is a scary, crazy, messed up world.

PS: Thank you for reading till the end and enduring my nonsense. ^_^

Beneath the Spoken Truth

2009-10-02T03:18:00.003+08:00

I'm not sure if I will have time to blog since school has resumed and would like to post something "my-style" to end this on a good note if I don't have the time. But there's a high possibility that I would still continue posting this time round. This is the longest post I've made so far but I really hope everyone can finish reading it. Although I do wonder who will really understand.

How long would you need to know a person before you think you understand him/her? What if we erase the time factor and ask this instead: How well do you need to know a person before you consider yourself to understand or know him/her? Can we gauge it by the accuracy in guessing what he/she will say or response in a given situation? If that is true and you can guess with a high accuracy how a person might reply or response, why is it that we always hear "You don't understand me!" if the person is already supposedly being understood?

All forms of communication involves some form of miscommunication. In another word, the true intended message will never be fully communicated even if one fully utilizes languages, signs, gestures and every other possible means. And even when assuming that we can somehow convey the exact intended message, it will still be subjected to interpretation.

Likewise, interpreted messages will never be exactly the same as the conveyed message. No 2 individuals undergo the same life experience and upbringing; no 2 individuals see things exactly the same way. Therefore, everyone has different interpretations of the same message. On top of that, misinterpretation is common in our daily life due to a few possible factors. These include, but not restricted to, inappropriate usage of words, inappropriate language, omission of information deemed to be as "common sense" and more essentially - preconceived notion (aka perception) which is what I personally believe to be the main factor of misinterpretation.

To make this easier to comprehend, recall the first time you know a person. By just looking at the person's physical appearance and behavior, your mind has already formed an opinion about the person, even without having you speak to him/her yet. This is more commonly known as "first impression". Some people argue that "first impression" counts and stays throughout with the perceiver whereas some beg to differ. I would say that it's both. More importantly, it depends on the mindset of the perceiver. If the perceiver interacts with the subject with an open mind and if the subject is unlike what the perceiver had perceive of him/her, the perceiver is more likely to change his/her preconceived notion. Comparatively, if the perceiver hold on to the preconceived notion and maintain a close mind while interacting with the subject, his/her perception is likely to remain unchanged. Do bear in mind that, this is not only applicable to "first impressions", it could also be perception formed over time which might possibly result in selective listening when interacting with the subject thereafter.

According to Martin Heidegger (German Philosopher), technology challenges to reveal. Technology is defined as the entities created by the mental and physical effort in order to achieve some value. Languages are consider a form of technology as well. So as we communicate, one has to understand that we are concealing some information to reveal other information. For example, for one to say that "I am a man", he needs to first conceal the feminine part of him (there's no absolute male or female). This is just a very very simple example to illustrate the theory, in the reality of a normal dialogue, it is still much too complicated for me to explain. And this refers to Concealed to Reveal.

But I think that the opposite stands true as well (not sure if Heidegger mentioned it, I didn't read his works =D) - Revealed to Conceal. While communicating, to achieve the concealment of information, one reveals other information. This should be easier to understand compared to the aforementioned. For instance, if a man wants to conceal his real age of 35 year old, he would reveal that he is 30 year old.

Now, to understand what Heidegger meant by technology challenges to reveal, there's another step missing. We need to understand that there is a concealment of the first concealment (Concealed to Reveal). Without this understanding, we will never be aware of the first concealment of the "truth". This is also necessary for the point (Revealed to Conceal) I brought in too.

Therefore, my thoughts after knowing about what Heidegger said is that we need to be aware that there is a Concealment of both "Concealed to Reveal" and "Revealed to Conceal" in order to reveal the "Truth". In simpler terms, we need to be critical (which I absolutely hates but still trying -.-). Human claim to be the higher being with the ability to think but develop their thinking too far into concealing to reveal and revealing to conceal which resulted in clouding the simple truth. Since we can mold our thinking this far, why can't we develop our thinking further to see the truth?

Unhappy (Child)忍 Day

2009-10-01T14:01:00.007+08:00

Today is the worst, "unhappiest" Children's Day I've been through. This is just gonna be a short post. Sorry, it's not written in proper English.

Shortly after the midnight, I was happy to start the day on a good note with him msn-ing me. When replies became scarce and eventually stopped, I thought he should be chatting with her hence I waited patiently. After 40mins, I guessed he should have fallen asleep.

I went to bed earlier than usual as lesson starts at 9.30am so I have to wake up at about 7.30am. But I had this weird dream. It's so bizarre and morbid. I can even remember some details of the dream and there's so many people inside. There's me, him, my mum, my sisters, can't remember if WY is inside and even some of my ex-colleagues. It's like those block busters of MediaCorp where most of the actors/actresses are involved.

In the end, I woke at 8.20am with a heavy head and heavy heart. This kuku who said wana send me to school woke up late, in the end I reached school at 9.40am. Haiz... It's ok, not that late either. The lecturer for Business Finance... he managed to make me doze off in class. Haha.. although the lack of sleep does plays a part but he is so boring.. and the subject is so dry.

During break, got my name written down. Lousy day. I was feeling tired and sleepy!! I needed one. Darren had to leave during break so I became alone in class again. It doesn't really bothers me now though. Thanks for the thoughts though and thanks for using my own words against me.

On the way home, I dunno what's gotten into me. I became so emotional in the bus. Argh... tak glam lar.

Now that the day hasn't really past, I hope the rest of the day will be ok for me. I dun need it to be good, just ok is all I'm asking for. And I hope he'll be fine, she'll be fine too. No more games from her please.

PS: No one got "Abstraction" correct yet! Here's another one - "You did it once. You did it twice. I did it once, I will have the strength to do it again." This should be simpler, same thing, I give you 糖糖 or 泡泡茶 (there's this particular one I miss T-T). Heehee... =D

Happy Children's Day!

2009-09-30T05:07:00.012+08:00

Thanks for reminding that it's my day tomorrow! Sucky that school has to resume on Children's Day. Enjoy the post.

An adult and a child was taking a stroll in the new neighborhood they've just moved to and came upon this high walled, doorless structure.

Child: "What's this weird building for? What's behind the wall?"

Adult: "I don't know. I'm not a wee bit interested. Let's go."

Child: "I don't care. I want to know. I want to find out. With such secrecy, there must be something cool inside! I have to get in there!"

The adult knew there's nothing he can do with the child when he's being intrigued and left the child to explore. The child knew that he only has to exploit its weakness and all he need is a tool that is built to destroy hard surface - Jackhammer. He then came back with a jackhammer and started making a hole in the wall. Peeping through, he caught a glimpse of what's within. A garden full of lush vegetation, flowers and trees, a total contrast to the urbanized world he grew up in. He thought about all the things he could do inside gleefully as he continued drilling the hole. With little effort, the wall started crumbling bit by bit till it could no longer support the weight and collapsed altogether. The child was ecstatic, ran in and started exploring.

He smelled the flowers, rolled in the grass, picked fruits off the trees and laid in the sun. Never once he missed a day not spending in his garden. However, children being children, boys being boys. They grow up. It wasn't long before the child started schooling. He made friends and discovered new found interest in toys. For a start, it wasn't that bad, he had to walk pass the garden on the same route everyday. He even brought his friends and toys to his garden to play, having fun in his garden.

As the child grew, he became more and more caught up with his life, spending lesser time in his garden he once loved. It became a place where he would go when he's feeling down and seek sanctuary in. But his life became more and more smooth sailing. Eventually, he forgot all about his garden until the point where he would just walked past his garden without casting a second look. Over time, the garden wilted without his love and company.

One day, as the boy walked past the garden as per usual. A gust of wind caught his coat and flew it into the garden. He then saw the garden again for the first time in many years. It was no longer like the garden he remembered it to be. The trees were bare, there wasn't an inch of grass, all that was left was a barren piece of dry land. The sight irked him and he thought to himself, "How did I fell in love with this place in the first place?". He scoffed in disgust and couldn't care less.

From then onwards, when he walked past the garden everyday, he would turn his face away from it as he couldn't bear its sight anymore. It disturbed him so much that one day, he finally decided to move to a new neighborhood and leave the garden for good.

The garden was there all along, waiting, just waiting for someone to appreciate and share its beauty. When someone finally came, took the trouble to get to the garden, the garden displayed and extended all its treasures to him. The garden was there all along but the child steered away and moved on. Amid the exposed, defenseless, weathered appearance, the garden kept all its treasures within, all beneath its soil. The treasures and beauty are still there. The garden is still there.

Abstraction

2009-09-30T00:55:00.010+08:00

I have no doubts that posting about daily activities has its own perks (as mentioned in Not feeling IT) but I can't help wondering who would actually enjoy reading about my miserable, monotonous, maggot life (ok, I exaggerated for effect. Hahaha...) . Firstly, I don't lead a vivid and colorful life characteristic by various "fun" activities or random events. And I don't even go out often, not with family or my already well-limited pool of friend(s). Next, most of us are visual creatures with brains that automatically switch to "Sleeping" mode when walls of text are presented. That's why many of the blogs (especially those with lots of readers) use lots of pictures in their posts. I can try doing that soon when/if my life has events which I feel interesting enough to report.

So, I've decided to mash up my post tonight, some paragraphs or statements might not even be linked in any way. The fewer the number of readers who can understand, the better it is. Those who truly understand (and have the answers to) all of the following, I buy you sweets sweets kkz? Heehee..

Disclaimer: I did not plagiarize any one's work. If that had occur, I seek your understanding that that is not my intention but work of pure coincidence. Kindly inform me (with your work) and I will duly remove areas involved.

Tactless Thoughts I Think
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Are you really that popular? Do we belong to a category lower than your friends which is substantially of lesser significance in your eyes? Or have I been used and presented with the illusion of a "friendship" just because I am not-so-bad with academic stuff, more importantly for projects and assignments? I do wonder if there are other people that are the likes of you who create illusions just so to gain benefit(s)? How should I know next time then?
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We need to wean? Am I suffering from Bi-Polar?
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My dream had came true!! In an opposite way. Glad it help (or did it?).

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I thought I love studying which I think I still love. I thought I want to get full As because I want to get full As which I think I still do. When I finally get full As, I thought I would be over the moon but why the pleasure derived lasted no longer than 5mins? Am I really yearning for recognition from those around me? Or more essentially, who am I seeking approval from exactly?
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Feed yourself with painted visions, see what you see, hear what you hear. Engross with the externalities while oblivious to the obvious. Are we serving your guilt or my magnanimosity? Are we celebrating my supposed stupidity or your blindfolded blindness?
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Utilitarianism is no easy feat. It's not as utilitarian as we think it is. Look carefully, it does has an attached price tag which usually spells the sacrificial of your own expenses.
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I'm a little fat pig. Short and stout.
Here is my love handle. Here is my pouch.
When I get fatten up, hear me shout.
Just flip me over and guts me now!-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knowingly, I've become his jacket. Exclusively tailored.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many things continue to baffle me. Unanswered questions bother me. The 4 Ws and 1 H -- "How is it (not) so?", "What can('t) I do?", "When will it (not) be?", "Why is it (not) me?", "Where can I (not) be?". The questions are simple. Are the answers simple as well? Even so, the simpler the answers, the more complex it is to explain. The more complex it becomes, the more likely we will reject or turn a blind eye to it.

"Cogito, ergo sum"
("I think therefore I am")
-- René Descartes, Principles of Philosophy (1644)

Unbearable Sun(ny)day

2009-09-28T06:03:00.005+08:00

I woke to a shock at about 10am this morning with adrenalin pumped through my whole body. I groped for my hand phone to check for the time and pondered what had cause the violent response as my heartbeat slowly stabilized. I think I must be regaining my sanity bit by bit as I can actually remember my dream in bits and pieces now (for the past 3 weeks, I would just wake for no apparent reasons and couldn't get back to sleep). It was obviously a bad dream, hence the "fight or flight" natural body reaction. Since many said that dreams are opposite of what will happen in reality, I do hope the exact opposite will happen in real life that would really really make him very happy. Anyway I was feeling feverish but brushed it off as part of the adrenalin rush reaction and tried to get somemore sleep.

I was still feeling hot when I woke later but the weather was so hot so I blamed it on the high humidity and temperature. All the way till it was about 3pm+, I was feeling kinda weird. My body feels hot but my hands and legs feels cold and clammy. Just to double confirm, I checked with him to ask if the weather was hot today and he agreed. Despite feeling weird, I let it passed again as we moved on to another topic almost immediately.

It wasn't until about 4pm when the first wave of nauseousness hit me. Man, I ran for the toilet and threw out the fries I had the previous night which was then beyond recognition. I returned his call and chatted, feeling better that I've threw out my stomach contents. When I put down the phone, I dashed for the toilet again. This time round, nothing but gastric acid came out. The 3rd time occurred about 1hr after I had 3-4 seeds of durian. Note to all: Do not have durian when you are vomitous. It was eeeewwwww....

Anyway I knew that something is apparently wrong (duhhh..) and wanted to visit a doctor, that's when I realized today is Sunday and the clinics are closed. Hahaha... Too bad for me, I don't have the means to travel far, neither do I have the means to pay for expensive superficial hospital treatments. The best bet was to stay home, drink plently of water to prevent dehydration and don't eat lor. Not that I was feeling hungry to start with but I think with nothing in the stomach, the chances of regurgitating should be greatly reduced.

3 times in a day is bad enough for me, I had a hard time curbing the urge to regurgitate thereafter. Argh, I can't afford to fall sick now. I hope that I would be ok after some panadols (is it even useful for naseousness? hahah.. =P) and a good night rest. I don't like to see doctor, in fact I hate going to a doctor, that's why I avoid them as much as possible. Hahahah... =)

Not feeling IT.

2009-09-26T17:09:00.003+08:00

Writing in this "not-so-academic" (aka not-so-smart) style does has it good points! I can finish writing a post well under 1 hr (unless I'm doing other stuffs at the same time). It helps me pass time easier and faster. It doesn't expose my true feelings and thoughts which I don't want others to know. And best of all, I can write in broken English and won't be faulted!

At 9am, I woke up to a tummy ache while feeling feverish and gorgy at the same time. I got up, walked around the house to find myself alone again. Just as I was feeling abandoned and unwanted, my giddy spell hit me which I really don't like. I sat myself on the couch while I awaited the "symptoms" to sweep me off my feet. True enough, the room started to spin (yes literally), broke into a cold sweat, breathless, followed by numbness in the limbs. "Yeah yeah okie" I told myself. "I need to go toilet." So I staggered to the toilet and propped myself against the basin for support for 45mins. After my ordeal, I popped 2 panadols and 1 tube of 保济丸 before trying to get some sleep again at close to 11am.

Mummy called at 12nn, asking if I want any lunch. She insisted on me eating and bought me porridge after knowing that I'm not feeling well. I spent close to 2hrs trying to finish the pork porridge just to make her happy. Argh. Just when I thought I can at least enjoy my dose of anti-depressant - Fairly Odd Parents, mummy started chatting with me. I quite enjoy chatting with her at times when she wasn't being naggy so I just sat and listened with my eyes on Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda.

Today's chatting session is about YB and this AT called LF. I shan't go into details but lemme just give a short introduction on YB. He's a colleague of mummy, a 19/20? year old malaysian boy whom mummy think is cute and "guai". If you ask me, YB is just normal looking, perhaps slightly above average. He gives off a weird aura which makes me feel uncomfortable but mummy said that's just because he's awfully quiet. Maybe that's why I feel that he's dangerous as the Hokkien saying goes "静狗咬死人", I guess I still pretty much rely on gut feelings. Anyway the things mummy was telling me about made me felt like it's a rivalry between 2 aunties (LF and mummy) vying for YB's attention. She was hoping that I would say something to her, so I said "你现在知道AT是这样的，以后就可以不要和她们走得太近咯" (Since you know ATs are like that, you don't have to be too close to them next time). Unfortunately, I've once again said something which people don't like to hear, and she diverted her displeasure to me. I just kept quiet, continued watching my show and let her say, it really doesn't matter as long as she'll feel better after.

Anyway, she said she felt like going KTV and I helped her booked a room thinking that it'll be good if the 4 wonder ladies can have some fun. Dam I was wrong. As she continued nagging, she said she would be having dinner with YB and LF (I learnt that LF is actually a MAN) and expressed that she would like to ask them along for the KTV session. I looked at her, squinted my eyes while nasty comments tried to escape my mouth in attempt to show my displease. Being the good anger management practioner (LOL?), I said "你高兴就好咯", switched off the TV and went to my room. It's not just me, both my sisters thought it would be a family thing so you can't denounce the fact that I am be disappointed and eventually told her I don't want to go anymore because I'm not feeling well.

Is it really so difficult to engage the ulitarian approach? I just want people whom I care for to be happy even at the expense of my own but will they or are they really happy?

I'm sooo Otaku

2009-09-26T01:07:00.003+08:00

Even in my daily activities reporting, I can't help to be random too. I think I kinda managed a better job this time round. I guess practice makes perfect!

Ok, maybe I'm not an Otaku, I was trying to find a term equivalent to 宅女 (refers to someone who stays at home a great deal of time). So I thought "hey, I think Otaku means the same thing" but..... I'm not quite sure now when the definition came up as a Japanese term used to refer to people with obsessive interests, particularly anime, manga and video games. Well yeah... ok.... I used to be obsessed with video games, more particularly computer games (World of Warcraft) and I used to love anime.... Oh well it doesn't matter, Otaku or not, whatever. Hahaha...

Such a pity to have let a lovely Friday night gone to waste. There must be something wrong with me. I stay at home a great deal or only go places near my house. Thanks for inviting me to supper, WY but seriously I rather you spend time with your significant other, I don't wish to tag along as an extra. And I'm not even gonna eat anyway. Hahaha... You should treasure the time spent together alone. =) But I thank you for your thought.

So yeah, on this lovely Friday night, I spent it playing Restaurant City on Facebook and watching "Sex and the City". There's nothing BAD about the show and there's more to what was shown beneath the "sex". People really ought to see beneath the superficial level. The show doesn't just portray the negative points about men, it does likewise for women. Furthermore, it was the show which gave the Legendary Jack Rabbit its fame. Give it some credit! =D

Here I am, watching "Sex and the City" on terribly slow loading speed on Tudou and blogging non-sensical stuffs, craving for Ben & Jerry's Dublin Mudslide which I've already knew will not come, chatting with random people on MSN and in disbelief that Mr. DL didn't call like he promised! Booooooo! Don't friend you.

Following the Crowd

2009-09-23T16:55:00.007+08:00

Even though I now see my blog (as WY explained) as a place to store a (mental?) fragment of me in this abstract digitized technological dimension for future retrieval or reminisces (or when it comes back and bite you in the a*se), I can't help but wonder why is it that there are more people reading blogs that write about mundane stuffs rather than an insightful blog (not that mine belongs to that category either. Muahaha..)

I did mention previously that it is not my style to report day to day activities and that I prefer to write about things that happened in my life in a thought-provoking yet randomized way, but what the heck, I'll just try to follow the crowd for once. Perhaps it'll do more good than harm. I mean, how difficult can it be to write like Xia Xue (YES! I went to read her blog for the first time, and my brain died halfway through the first post. How can anyone even like that sh*t?)? My posts are always determined by my thoughts there and then; I don't constrain my thoughts and hardly ever organize them, but they don't end up as bad as hers! Alright, enough ranting. (Note to self: must learn to keep opinions to oneself)

During depression *self-destructo mode* (refer to On First Hand - Impact), I stopped eating and fasted more than 24 hrs on average between meals. And when I did eat, it's kueh, curry puffs or bread. By the end of the week and after 2 gym sessions, I've lost 3 kgs. I felt kinda happy although I know that's probably water weight nonetheless happy. Sadly, I know I have to "feed" as per normal even though I still don't feel like eating. So now I try to have at least one proper full meal per day, it's better than nothing. Stop asking me to eat! /pout WY, you have to fulfil your duties and scold me whenever I feel like eating/feeding because I'm already gaining those weight back!

Everyone noticed that I've slimmed down a lot but they fail to see that this is not enough going by the standard set by the local girls! Mummy always shake head when I say "Not hungry~" or "Dun wan eat lar.. So fat liao". Even my regular hairdresser commented "Girl ah... You slimmed down le hor? Haiyo.. Can see your bones protruding liao." Ok, maybe my upper torso is minimally acceptable now, but my lower body is like "Oh My God, pig trotters!". Like they've been immersed in tubs of lard, allowing diffusion to take place and viola! Elephant thighs and radish calves. ARGH! I've been doing half-squats (?) for quite sometime but it doesn't seem to have any effects. Shall start on doing leg-rise starting tomorrow.

I don't like to be bullied!! I don't like to be fake!! I don't like to be lied to!!
Hahaha... That's the universal truth about me, more essentially I find it so difficult to lie to others! If you're someone I care for (including you, Mr. DL), be prepared for I am quick with my thoughts, words and comments. Not necessarily something you guys like to hear but at times, you'll be surprised at how accurate they may be. Of course, I know it hurts to know the cold hard truth and I'm sorry to make plain matters to reveal them.

I don't have much friends to start with (apart from WY who's like kinda stuck with me. haha..) and when I was desperately trying to find one, I cannot find anyone!! Luckily, my long lost friends (I do hope that the friendships are mutual) are still willing to stand by my side and accompany me through those dreaded days. Not that I've perfectly recover. BUT I no longer not know how to not continue to not put on a strong front!! (Muahaha.. Spivak's writing style managed to confuse myself so badly I was stuck on this sentence for 5mins. Spivak is a philosophy/feminist scholar? I dunno, I forgot.)

OK.. this post is badly written. I know it's a feeble attempt to mimic the "normal" blogs 'cause it ain't that mundane but I don't go out a lot wad. At least gimme some credit for trying and finish reading.. Hahaha...

On Third Hand - Revelation

2009-09-16T22:26:00.007+08:00

The mind is a much more powerful organ than I've ever imagined. With stubbornness (lol?), perseverance and lots of self coaxing/coaching, acceptance more or less tried to settle in. Even though I've applied this "theory" in our relationship but since I'm not the one undergoing the process, I can't tell whether it works for sure. Hence, I never thought that this approach will even work a bit for me.

Let me say something corny - "If you think you can, you can". Not always true but good enough for me (WY> don't tell me it's not always true because I'm not thinking hard enough -.- I wana switch off the philosophical way at the moment). Basically I told myself repeatedly, either in my mind or out loud, that "you know it's over" and stuffs like that. It's not easy to bear for a start, especially if you're talking out loud, you'll feel a heart wrenching ache and find yourself crying like it's never gonna end (yeah~ I broke my record). But you have to make yourself go through it over and over again until the point where the mind becomes convinced and "sees" the statements as a matter of facts. Come to think of it, it's somewhat similar to self hypnotism isn't it? Hmm.. (actually I don't know, I'm just writing rubbish)

I'm glad that it worked even though not on a full scale. There are still certain timing of the day where I'm especially vulnerable to emotional break downs. But I guess that's "normal" and I should be grateful that I've phased out of depression (more or less) much much much earlier than I expected due to the constant self nagging. One might say that I had force myself and too harsh on myself, but isn't it all for a good cause?

I've also gone through past smses and msn history although there're some discrepancies but more importantly, it revealed a deadly mistake of mine. At times, I was being difficult to get along and tried too hard to force him to express himself clearly (there's a good cause behind forcing him to express himself and so I thought). Perhaps that's why subconsciously, I've never blame him at all. Afterall, if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. Remaining good friends is not essentially a bad thing but I understand it is not up to me per say and is highly situational.

Although I've tried to be as rational as possible thus far, I am still an irrational person by nature. I believe in karma, the utilitarian approach and some other issues unexplainable by logic at the moment. Even when people tell me kindness does not always begets kindness, still I can't see or bring myself to be a mean person to others now (yes, WY, including you kuku). Therefore, all that matters now is that whatever I do, just as long as it's accountable to my conscience, everything else is good. I wana say something random - Mummy, I love you! Heehee.. Yay! I'm one step closer to Nirvana! ROFL!

Once again, I apologize for the incoherency of my post. This post was completed over 3 days, with me writing a bit here and there. Wanted to post it earlier this morning (20/9) but didn't had the chance to. Sh*t seems to be particularly attracted to people when their life is down and there's nothing you can do apart from just flopping around helplessly. I don't wana lose another person dear to me. Is it the negative magnetism field that's causing this? I would be sooooo sorry if it is. Ok, never mind me, just impromptu ranting about nothing sensible. Haha... Might have another post very soon if I'm feeling itchy finger and itchy mind. Right now, I just wana cross my fingers and pray (no I'm not Christian).

On Second Hand - Smartness

2009-09-15T01:43:00.013+08:00

Depressed. Family and friends offered their opinions and views. Depressed. I forced myself to think critically rather than relying on feelings. Depressed. I led each day without passing one. And I finally realized a lot of things.

It's called a Breakup because it's broken. It can be fixed but that essentially requires effort and faith from both parties. I've always believe that it's never solely a party's fault that cause the end of a relationship; both parties contribute to it whether knowingly or unknowingly. It's true that during this depression period, I've gone through what most of you had. Blaming this, blaming that, finding faults with myself, raking my brain for what I've could possibly done wrong, reprimanding myself for not being understanding/sensitive/what not and the list goes on. But I also tried to think through what exactly was wrong with the relationship in a constructive manner. Like I said, both parties are at fault so I'm not going to victimize myself (refer to previous post - Victimization) and push the blames away.

On a personal note, I had believe that when I love a person a lot, I will give the support and attention needed by the other party, shower him with all the love, care and concern. In return, all I require is his love and nothing else. Both parties should get into the relationship with a big heart, otherwise it will result in the inability to derive any form of happiness from it (it could also result in the refusal to see happiness due to any underlying reasons or self-denial). And these will nurture the relationship and blossom into something beautiful. When I finally met him, I told myself.. "he's the one". However, with the finale to our relationship, my personal belief was proven to be untrue. Suddenly, it dawned upon me that things nowadays are not as simple as I thought they are. Subconsciously, man no longer need their lady to just treat them good.

Males and females vary in many aspects. Males are arguably more competitive, aggressive and ambitious in nature compared to females. A stagnant, constant and comfortable environment will increase the level of boredom they experience. It wouldn't be long before they feel the need to venture off into some new unknown territory in search of excitement, challenges and attention. I was stupid on my part to not have noticed/believed this all along. Even though I had seen how some girls would play hard to get, treated their boyfriends like sh*t and the guys would still be drawn to them like flies to dung. Still, I refused to believe the approach these girls took is correct and insisted on my way of loving a person I truly love. Hence, I followed through my beliefs faithfully, giving all I can and be as magnanimous as possible. I was clearly wrong. Then I realized all other boyfriends whom I've treated like sh*t were really stuck to me like a leech.

A smart lady would first - play hard to get. Courtship is a wonderful thing which is gone once it's gone and will never be revive. As a girl, you get the attention, the company, the dinner/movie dates and the long sweet chat over the phone. Of course, they would want to drag it as long as possible. It's not uncommon to see guys having to court a girl for as long as 6 months nowadays (it's true 'cause I did have one). And to prevent the guys from diverting their attention, it's time to play the fishing game where you tug and release the invisible fishing line attached to your target's heart. When they finally became of girlfriend status, they would hold on to one thing guys want most - Sex. Not that I don't believe that there are still girls who insisted on no pre-marital sex, but tell me seriously how many will there be? Do you really believe you'll find one? But guys are just so gullible at times when they are completely smitten and simply take in whatever was being said. So even after sex was given, they will still provide the guys with challenges to taunt them periodically (no doubt, one of my classmate's girlfriend belongs to this category). This often result in a female dominated relationship which feminists would probably clap their feet if they can.

Another common thing girls do is to victimize themselves to create the impression for the need to be protected. Being in this patriarchal society, men are brought up or taught to "protect" females. So this is also rather in-built with them. Some ladies would tap into this emotional bonding and pull on the target with an effect similar to that of the fishing game. I've got to be honest and admit that I did tried to pull this off last time, only to realize that this doesn't work everytime and will backfire when it doesn't. Comparatively, the fishing game works almost every other time. At least to my experience, it works like a charm.

I've also heard from at least 2 guy friends that some younger females have developed a weird and uncontrollable liking?/urge? (sorry I've forgotten the exact words used) to break up other couples. Having no proofs or ways of proving it, I don't know how true this is but I sure hope it's not. Else this would be a world too scary for me to live in. From time to time, I do ponder what kind of world are we coming to (some of you might be able to spot this in Victimization and Ingenious? Stupid?). What gratification do they derive out of this?

All in all, I still wish that I can hold on to my belief of loving a guy wholeheartedly and genuinely while treating him the best I can without having to worry about that causing consistent emotional flow with no fluctuation and eventually creating the delusion of no emotions. Perhaps a part of me refuse to see the light that I'm shining now, to become an essentially "Smarter" girl.

This post was written over a time span of 3 days. I have, by no means, any intention of flaming, deflaming, accusing and insulting any individuals. Somehow I feel that this post is still lacking some points, but it's a good thing I'm dozing off... Will develop it into another part if I remember what I'm lacking later.

On First Hand - Impact

2009-09-10T13:45:00.017+08:00

Usually I post during the school holidays about my thoughts and views on different issues. This time, judging from my state of mind, I'm unsure if I'm able to clearly and accurately analyze issues. Though I'm not clear headed currently, I still feel a compulsive need to pen my emotions. People who had read my posts on and off throughout the years knew that Edwin is my special guy in my life thus far. Like all good things in my life, it ended after nearly 3 years. Was hesitant to name him but realized that I've already did in some of my previous posts. Anyway I should be quite safe posting about my feelings, he probably don't have the time to read.

It is never easy to let go of a relationship unless when you are the one who brought up the subject (true for most cases). Considering that I was on the receiving end, those who had experience heart break before would be able to relate to how devastated I am. I am not going to lie about how bad it hurts. Even though I let him have his way in our relationship but in a breakup, I still can't help feeling hurt. I am no saint. Although we have arguments and quarrels which is normal for couples (abnormal for those who doesn't), things were normal and pretty sweet till 2 weeks before it happened. Can I say that it came without much signs? That definitely intensify the excruciating pain that followed the breakup.

It wasn't a pretty sight. I have no idea what I was doing. In all previous relationships, I don't call nor sms nor msn when it ends, somehow that isn't true for him. Memories (both good and bad) keep replaying in my mind obsessively, possible causes for the breakup keep popping in my head subconsciously, heartache keeps stabbing at my heart repeatedly and tears keeps mocking me constantly. I tire myself on daily basis just so I will fall asleep when I finally ly down. Alias, my mind will continue the thinking and I will wake 3-4 hours later, sleeping without sleep. I even woke up crying one morning after being awoken by the thunder, without knowing why. I lost all appetite and couldn't eat. It went from bad to worse... I fasted even longer than our Muslim counterparts and broke my fasting record when I participated in 30 hours famine camp. The record now stands at 57 hours. Everyday was a blur, I'm tired but I can't sleep, my mind is congested but my physical is free.

Many said that it's good to get away from home, go out, find a friend and have fun but I've forsaken most of them throughout the years and I'm the kind of girl who doesn't really enjoy shopping. Luckily, a few of them are still willing to shelter me (you guys know who you are). I know you guys tried hard, but there's only so much you can help. Everywhere I go, memories played themselves like holograms at the exact locations. Every corner I turned, his shadow seemed to be poking around. Everything I do, triggered words he said and lingered in my mind. Even non-relationship issues my friends bring up, can prompt my mind to instantaneously create a link to him.

The most saddening part is that I cannot show any signs of weakness in front of my family. How can I let them worry for me? So I had to rebuild the fort that once surrounded me for defense and protection again. My mummy would ask me if I want to eat or if I want to eat anything in particular periodically (every 4-5 hours, and still doing it now) where I would just plainly reply "No, not hungry. How to eat?". And obviously, I couldn't tell him exactly how torn I am inside, outside, inside-out, outside-in, whatever, you get the idea. I was noted as the 3rd party last time, why should I create the same dung for another member of the same gender group? Perhaps that added to the pain too. Still, pain is pain, the only variation is the degree of pain or how intensive it is. Nonetheless, it is still painful.

This post is written over a span of 1 week; it is not written to seek sympathy nor empathy nor blame anyone. I only realized that for my previous relationships, I've never experienced a true heartbreak before. And when heartbroken friends came to me for advice, I gave them all sort of crap. I wasn't even fit to advise them since I hadn't experience any myself then. Now I can fully relate to the piercing heart ache, the lost of interest in all and the obsessive thoughts that you guys were telling me. Let this post be an example to the lucky ones who've never experienced a heartbreak. We never thought of tormenting or torturing ourselves (maybe only true for me), they just happened. So the next time a heartbroken friend turned to you for support, you know you shouldn't say "Why are you torturing yourself?".

A Partially Fictional Tale (Tail?) Part 1

2009-08-18T01:15:00.000+08:00

This is the story of my sister's pet hamster, Hammy, which I fear will be on her way to the nether world soon. I don't usually post during school term as I would like to remain as focus as possible on studies but Hammy's little life story is affecting me too much. My Dear Hammy, this is dedicated to you...

Taking my first breath, I squinted my eyes to make out the surrounding with my poor eyesight. I'm pink and hairless. What's this? There are more creatures like me, are they my siblings? Where's Mummy? Summoning all my strength, I took my first step gingerly. Moving forward, I see a creature that looks like me but with grey fur slightly covered with embryonic fluid. She laid on her side, trying to lick herself clean while nursing one of my siblings who had already made his way to her. Instinctively, I knew she's my mummy. I shook from side to side as I tried to move towards her. Just as I was about to reach her, a large being reached for her and took her away from me! No... Where are you taking her? I wanted to squeak out but too feeble to do so. I collasped. All hope was taken away from me. I shivered but not from the cold. Is this fear from the unknown world that's causing me to shake uncontrollably? I desperately seek comfort as I huddled with my naked siblings and slowly fell asleep.

A wet tongue touched the left side of my body. I would giggle at the touch if I can. I saw a grey fur creature, one that resembles mummy, but with a white stripe down his back. Daddy? For the first time, I felt comfort as he assumed the role of mummy and cleaned us up. I'm hungry! I nosed around his belly in search of food but found nothing. My siblings and I started squeaking as hunger overwhelmed us. Just then, the same large being reached into our cage. I froze as the hand approached. Please don't take Daddy away too! I closed my eyes and feared for the worst. Instead of Daddy, the large being cupped me gently and held me out of the cage. This large being is pink and hairless at most part of her body too, just like me! I sniffed at the nozzle she held in front of my mouth. I lick at the nozzle. ::pause:: And started taking big gulps of this sweet, warm, white colored fluid she's feeding me. I gorged on the fluid till my little stomach can contain no more and push the nozzle away. As gently as she pick me, she put me back into the cage and reached for my siblings. I rubbed my belly and slipped into dreamland where I dreamed about mummy.

Having no concept of time then, I only know many days of brightness and darkness came and went. Everyday, I would wake to Daddy's touch and he would play with us. Sometimes he would run on the huge wheel and we would awe at his speed and agility. Sometimes he would teach us how to shell a sunflower seed the perfect way to get to its core. Other days we would just laze around him and have him tell us how wonderful our mummy is. The large being, whom Daddy called mummy, would always come when we're sleeping and feed us the sweet fluid. My siblings and I started growing stronger and fur started to grow too! All of us have grey colored fur but I'm the only one with a white and black stripe down my back! Lucky me. Heehee... Daddy always say I would grow up to be a real beauty. Many things have changed but my yearn for mummy's warmth remain the same. I'm not sure about my siblings but I think they missed mummy too.

One rainy morning, not long after I fell asleep, I was jolted awake by a cold gust of wind. I looked around to see where my siblings or Daddy were and then I saw her! Sleeping in the corner diagonally opposite of where I was, curled up against Daddy, is my Mummy! I scurried across excitedly and bumped into them. The little commotion woke my siblings; they squeaked in joy and joined us. Finally, our family is completed as we snuggled against each other for warmth which did not only give me physical comfort but also warmed my heart. We fell asleep as a family for the first time as Mummy hummed.

"Hush my babies... Everything will be fine from now..."

To be continued...

5 "C"s of the Society

2009-07-02T02:08:00.014+08:00

"A country's youth is the reflection of the future society", I couldn't agree more. A person, no matter how capable, will never function forever. On the contrary, a society, no matter how crumpled, will never cease functioning. It is just a matter of whether it will get worse or prosper in time to come. This is exactly why many countries see the need to provide as much education as possible to its youth, in hope to nurture an equally good if not better batch of people to run its society, economy and the country.

I am proud to be a citizen of my country where it is said to have one of the best education system in the region. Every child has to go through 10 years of mandatory education consisting of elementary (primary) and secondary schooling. Higher education at tertiary or university level will continue to be heavily subsidize by the country so as to encourage more people to further their studies. This is a country where it has its people on its mind and take good care of them.

A child's tertiary education will cost approximately $5,500 after subsidy, over a span of 3 years (not including learning materials and monthly allowance). With our striving economy, even a family with below average financial status will be able to provide this fee. But with 3 children in the family and a combined monthly income of ~$2, 500, would they be able to provide tertiary education for them? Though they can opt for scholarships and bursaries, what if they don't meet the required standards? There is (of course) always the option of applying for a bank loan, and the banks will be more than willing to comply.

It is known that university education does not come cheap anywhere in the world. Thankfully for our benevolence country's huge subsidy, it will only cost about a whooping $25 - $100 thousands (higher fees for law, medicine, dentistry and such). MOST of the citizens can afford it. What about those who can't but have the intelligence to excel further than those who can? (3rd person's inner voice: what nonsense?! if they are that good, they can always apply for scholarships) Scholarships do not drop from the sky, they have stringent guidelines when choosing candidates. It is reasonable and logical to ask for good grades in return. But one must have a good co-curricular activities record and preferably also active in either sports, community service, arts, science or any other notable worthy contributions/awards. On top of all, one must also posses great leadership skills/qualities or potentially posses them. What? Running for president? Or scouting for the next super(wo)man? If a person cannot afford the tuition fees, the most logical guess would be, any extra time would be put into working part time to support family/himself/herself, lessen the family's burden or pay off any previous education bank loans. So scholarships are not really viable in the end, fret not, that "poor" soul can slap himself/herself with another debt to the bank (that is if previous loans have been cleared or if the bank allow another loan on top of previous ones).

Isn't it (Con)tradicting to say that education is important in the eyes of the country, but not provide an equal chance to those who simply cannot afford higher education? Since they have huge reserves (as quoted), it should be perfectly fine to sponsor these people with full tuition fee grant but without outrageous requirements. This is not asking for the stars compared to countries like Sweden and Finland where education, up to university level is paid for by the country. Alas, that will not happen here anywhere in the near future. The younger generation of parents resort to buying education/study (whatever it is called) insurances/saving plans for their children the moment they were born, just so to ensure that they will have the money to provide higher education if the children have the capabilities. Again, if education IS really that important as said, it should be the last thing on the people's mind to worry about.

There must be a good reason why it is only obligatory to complete up to secondary education. Perhaps that will be just sufficient to equip any individual for the working world and that they should not have any trouble seeking employment. Looking at the older generations where they received little or no education, it is true that they face greater difficulties when seeking employment. But comparing within the same generation, how are these secondary educated individuals going to compete with so many graduates? When the society becomes saturated with graduates, those who did not managed to secure an ideal job or jobs which match their qualification, will start vying for lower positions like an admin post, which typically only requires secondary education. (3rd person's inner voice: well someone has to do the dirty jobs, I'm sure they'll get recognize if they do it well) This is not (Con)demantion, is it? There are always the blue collared positions, the lowly paid and overworked ones around for the lower educated (provided that they get the job over "cheaper" foreigners who come over from neighboring countries). How recognize will one get in the aforementioned positions? How far do you think they can climb the corporate ladder or in the society?

For your reference, from personal experience, I've been told not just once that it is impossible to be promoted far within the organization even with the right skills, knowledge and attitudes, but without "proper" qualifications. Ah..... *revelation* were they trying to (Con)vince me that one needs to have "proper" qualification in order to prosper (in terms of monetary, status, promotions, whatever) in the society and that the current society thinks that tertiary and university education are the "proper" education and secondary education is "improper"? I am not dim-witted, I get the hint and am really convinced. So why isn't the country changing its outdated policies to make "proper" education available to everyone? Perhaps afterall they would still require a group of "loyal" citizens who will never forsake their work since they don't have much to choose from (unlike foreigners who will one day return to their home country or the higher educated who have the option of working overseas or job hop), and that will make up the foundation of the working society, preventing it from deteriorating.

For the lower educated, there are really only 2 options, either suck it up, prepare to get peanuts for sh*tload of work for the rest of their miserable maggot life while competing with cheaper foreigners and local elites, or go for further studies with the money they do not have. Oh... wait, hold a second, that is rather (Con)fusing. Money is the issue which obstructed them from obtaining higher qualifications, and thus making them stuck with the low prospect jobs, earning just enough to get by everyday life in this society of rising costs. How should they find the money for further studies in order to earn a chance at getting a better paying job? (3rd person's inner voice: since they are working already, they can now take up bank loans!) Acquiring bank loans is what many of these people do, thinking that with a higher qualification at the end of it, they will be able to secure a higher paying job and therefore be able to repay the bank loan and potentially lead a better life after that. They will soon realized that either the higher paying positions are limited, have been filled, and they will be stuck with the same job they started with, or that with a higher paying job but also a debt of a few tens of grand, their quality of life will not be improved much. When they finally clear the debt, they will also have grown older and no longer holds a competitive edge over the young and fresh graduates in terms of age. In bad times like the recent recession, it is a silent known fact that who are to be place under the guillotine first. With not much available savings throughout the years, high living expenses, whole batch of young and fresh graduates, they can only settle for the next available job they can get their hands on (usually paying the same, slightly higher or even lower than they first started off with).

Having said so much, it takes little to wonder why does it still cost so dearly for higher education even after heavy subsidization? Why are bank loans always the first option suggested by institutions when (potential) students expressed that they have financial difficulties paying tuition fees? So where does the money goes to ultimately? What exactly does the society wants? Educating and nurturing the country's youth because they are the future pillars of the society? Or educating and nurturing the country's youth only when they can pay for it? Did our people not noticed that this is a vicious cycle where the rich will get richer and the poor will only get poorer? Could it be that they have noticed but couldn't care less as long as it does not affects them? Or perhaps because we were cultured not to question the authority? Hopefully we will not end up like certain strong developed country where its people has started to think that it is all part of some (Con)spiracy plan.

PS: The above post is an expression of the obstacles, difficulties and observations of my personal quest in search of knowledge. There is absolutely no intention of flaming any individuals, institutions, organizations, countries or any other constituencies. I am a late bloomer, currently pursuing tertiary education, planning to take on university education but it does not seem possible as of now because I do not have the financial abilities. If anyone feels that I am a good investment and would like to sponsor my tuition fee, feel free to leave a message on the tagboard. Hahhaaha...

Aiming for the Stars

2009-06-22T18:25:00.001+08:00

The results of my 2nd semester was released last Friday; I have to admit that I am disappointed with myself this time round. I thought (and I am quite confident) that I will manage to secure full As for all, alas, I fall short of half a grade. Financial Accounting - A+, Business Statistics - A and Business Communications - B+. I was so affected that I was on the verge of crying when I saw the results. My mum promised that she will make me a pair of new spectacles should I obtain full As, and I'm just half a grade short. Knowing the great mum she is, she will probably still pay for the spectacles but I can't help feeling depressed and demoralized. Edwin has been very nice too, consoling me by saying that the average grade for all is still a wonderful A. I supposed so but somehow, that is not the same. He then said that he's willing to pay for my spectacles. I am grateful that I have him and my mum in my life (and of course, you, Weiye).

It is all these people I love that spurs me on.

TBC......

Victimization

2009-06-17T18:06:00.005+08:00

I am not an expert in this field, neither have I study this topic before. There are so many accounts of victimization in my life or those around me, it disgust me. There's no one social-able person who has never victimized themselves.

This I quote from my experience. A woman who had a failed relationship, starts telling people about how the man hurt her, how much time and youth she spent on him and how ungrateful the man is. Did she victimize herself to seek empathy and sympathy from peers? We wouldn't know but that is likely to be true. So what would she gain after obtaining empathy and sympathy? Probably attention. People who took sides with the lady, have you consider that she might have done undesirable things and it is these accumulated events which eventually caused the failure of the relationship? Is she still the victim or is the man the victim? Perhaps there's no victim at all. Listen attentively for awkward pauses, look underneath the surface of the "spoken truth", explore possibilities from all angles before falling victim to anyone's victimization process.

What about in an example of a rape case? In the eyes of laws, women are branded as victims most of the time as the unwilling party. This is rather cliche, but what if the woman dressed sleazily in mini skirts and showing cleavage, isn't that an open invitation to attract unwanted attention? When things happen, the blame is on the man for not putting a rein on his manhood. The woman will be an absolute victim with no contributions to the crime or whatsoever, even though the fact that she dressed scantily is what sparked off the crime. So what happens if a woman rape a man (assuming grown man not juvenile)? Would the man be the victim under the justice system? Or would it be easier to argue that the woman is still the victim as man is stereotyped to be considerably stronger than woman? He could have easily overpowered her and stop the crime from happening. (Note: Assume the example given does not have external factors such as under the influence of drugs, alcohol, the likes of it and/or restraints)

One interesting phenomen was brought up during a discussion with my friend. It is observed that when a person is late, it is always the bus which came late, the congested traffic or a spoiled alarm clock. Whatever reason given, it is never their fault but a victim of external factors which caused them to be late. When it is another person who is late, we are quick to say that that person probably overslept, instead of subjecting them to the same set of possible factors, giving them the benefit of the doubt. When has human evolve to this state?

Since we may have done it knowingly, subconsciously or even unknowingly, can we then say that it is part of human nature to victimize ourselves? And push the faults to the (un)explained, the (un)known, the ultimate forces of (un)nature? But by putting things this way, aren't we trying to victimize ourselves again? The (un)explained, the (un)known and the ultimate forces of (un)nature are considered to have higher power, higher authority than human. Therefore is it not that we are victimizing ourselves as a victim of victimization? Is this really in the nature of human?

Stupid? Ingenious?

2009-06-09T23:41:00.004+08:00

How many times have you heard a person commenting "You are stupid"? And how many times have you heard a person commenting "You are ingenious"? Regardless it's targeting at another or oneself, I'm sure majority would have heard the first comment more than the latter. In this context, according to yourdictionary.com, the definition of Stupid (adjective) is lacking normal intelligence or understanding, slow-witted; dull, and the definition of Ingenious (adjective) is clever, resourceful, original and inventive. All of us would have received comments saying "you are stupid" at least once in our life, thus based on the above definition, are we really stupid? Or perhaps it is the lack of understanding from the people whom we are interacting with? So who are the stupid (use definition from above) ones?

Go through the list of the currently known "geniuses", how many were deemed stupid before they got recognized? Albert Einstein and Thomas Alva Edison are very good and famous examples, they were deemed stupid simply because they disliked the rigid schooling system. In fact, it was the society that couldn't understand them. They are quickly called geniuses the moment their work got recognition. Obviously, recognition has to come after understanding. The same scenario applies to many clever men even though the underlying reasons might differ.

Then again, why couldn't the society understand them? Was the thinking/work of geniuses so advanced that it's too profound to comprehend? Or was the society lazy enough to not try understand their thinking/work and took the easier way out by saying they're stupid? What if the society actually understood their thinking/work but chose to reject them as their thinking/work conflicts with the society's beliefs? In this case, the "cleverer" geniuses (I suppose there are different levels of ingeniousness too) managed to make plain their thinking/work that it becomes so logical that the society had to recognize it. For this, take Albert Einstein as example again, although his greatest works on the theories of relativity and special relativity were accomplished by 1905, it took a further 14 years for them to be proven. It can be argued that concrete evidences must be present before his works were recognized but 14 years seems to be absurdly long, hence could that be the true reason? Or more so that he is German and there was a war ongoing at that point in time? This guessing can go on forever. Same for the lack of understanding from the society, it can go on forever too.

Hopefully, a certain level of understanding was conveyed on the above. Let's come down to the individual level. Think about it, have you ever called someone stupid? I am not ashamed to admit that I had, many times in fact. The word "stupid" is one of the fundamental words we learned in our early childhood and we grew to use the word without thinking twice. I used to hurl the word at anyone who couldn't understand what I was conveying after 2 or 3 attempts. That is until I started exercising critical thinking and seeing things from other perspectives. When all fails, I do still call them stupid and also those who simply refuse to understand. For in their eyes, I am stupid since they do not understand, and calling another stupid doesn't make one any smarter. Since everyone is stupid, who are we to comment on one another? Why can't we think and listen to everything with an open mind? By saying that, I am subjecting myself to the same faults too. At this point, if you don't understand my conveyed message, are you then stupid? But if my conveyed message is not being understood, I am stupid too. In the end, who is stupid?

Enough about stupidity, what about ingeniousness? Given the definition again, an attempt to explain the term Ingenious has been broken down into clever, resourceful, original, and inventive. Therefore I suppose these qualities are those which separate the geniuses from the commoners.

But how can one define clever? I’ve plucked out 2 definitions from yourdictionary.com, skilled in doing something and quick in thinking or learning. Now, the first definition, if being skilled in doing something is being clever, which in turn leads to ingeniousness. How come I’ve never heard anyone calling the hawker, selling chicken rice in a neighborhood food centre, a genius? They are skilled in cooking chicken rice, so they must be clever. And if they are clever, they must be a genius! Or better still, my mum must be a super genius as she is skilled in many aspects such as doing household chores, cooking, taking care of the family and she’s working full time on top of all. Considering the second definition, if one is slow in thinking or learning, doesn’t that imply that they are not clever, or to put it crudely, they are stupid? But since according to the definition of stupid where one has to lack normal intelligence, are we saying that the gauge of “normal” intelligence means to be quick in thinking or learning? If so, many of us would fail to meet that criterion.

Yourdictionary.com’s definition of the second mentioned quality, resourceful, says that one is able to deal creativity and effectively with problems, difficulties, etc within the given resources. This is also present in many people of our daily lives. Taking the example of a chicken rice hawker again, should they run out of the daily soup (usually cabbage soup) given free with the meal, we would see them brewing a fresh pot consisting of just water, chicken bones, spring onions and seasoning. Can you not agree that they work within their resources to provide a creative and effective solution to the problem of not having enough free daily soup?

In our context, originality’s, the third quality of being ingenious, definition from yourdictionary.com is being capable of or given to inventing or creating something new, or thinking or acting in an independent, individual, fresh way. From the definition, we can see that the fourth quality, Inventive, is also part of being Original. I would have to agree that being original is ingenious, but we can never be absolute sure if one is the true original creator as they claimed. We’re all familiar with Newton’s universal theories and that he is the original creator. Not to discredit anyone, but what if, just what if, he actually gotten the original idea of the apple dropping upon his head due to gravity from another person? And it’s this very person’s words which he took as his own? Maybe let’s not make any assumptions but look at it in a more realistic situation. The war of being the Original Katong Laska has been going on for many years, everyone claims to be the original katong laska but who truly is the original creator? Suppose there is only one shop claiming to be the original katong laska and no competitors, we will be convinced that they are indeed the Original. Even if we can be sure who invented the original katong laska, once again, why do we not deem them as geniuses? How about people, who build upon original ideas, improvise them and make it into something their own (and original based on definitions)? There are many scientists who fall within this category; can we then say that they are true geniuses too? The same scenario applies to inventors as well.

You may say that I have overly depend on yourdictionary.com’s definition, but even if we use your understanding of the words “Stupid” and “Ingenious”, can we truly understand the truth to these words? No. They will still very much remain as how the society is constructed to believe what they perceive them to be. As explained, everyone is stupid but everyone can also be geniuses, thus why is there even a need to separate all in the first place?

Revival Ressurrection Reborn

2009-06-09T15:43:00.003+08:00

Been wanting to start blogging again quite sometime back, but was busy with projects followed by exams. Argh, don't even get me started on projects, they took up so much of my time! Fortunately I managed to secure 2 As and 1 A+ for them, else I don't know what I could have done to my team mates. Hahaha...

This time round, apart from the usual random style of writing, the things or the way I write might change slightly (that is if you detect the changes). Some told me that a few posts like the one on Emotional Bondage is quite the unusual and shed a different light on this emotional bonding topic. For the rest of this blog, I intend to continue writing in that manner on, whatever happens in my life that catches my eye. For those who doesn't like heavy stuff and prefer the "diary-style" of reporting day to day incidents or gossips to the extend that it's "bimbotic" , sorry this ain't the site for you. =)

It's high time I change the layout of this old blog. Perhaps I'll do it tonight when my brain starts functioning at its tip top condition with all the creative juices overflowing. For those who are having exams right now, a piece of advice, the best time to study so that the brain absorb most information, is between 4am to 6am. It may seems absurd but I work (could be project, study, sing, design, whatever) best between 1am - 4am, thus I believe the scientists must have some concrete evidences to come up with such a statement.

By now, the random style of writing should have been noted. Hahaha... sorry but there's more of it where it came from. I shall end this post as abruptly as it started and post something I wrote about 2 months ago. Being confused is not a good thing, you can always clarify or even welcome to enlighten me with your POV.

Don't make me Laugh!

2008-04-08T21:17:00.008+08:00

Okie everyone! Let's do something different today. Before you proceed to reading my post, please take sometime to view the above video if you hadn't already. Chances are you've already heard about this from your friends, colleagues or even from the papers.

Yes it's about the Taiwanese Celebs critising Singapore English on the "funny" 康熙来了. Wondering why did I use " " for the word funny? The show is supposed to be famous for being funny and entertaining!! If it has to resort to critising another country's culture to be "funny", I'm sorry that doesn't tickle my funny bone. "Ha Ha!"

To the first he-she-thing celeb who commented we said "sorry" with a higher end note, and pronounce "thanks" as "dance". You seriously have no idea what's happening, do you? In the first place, when you're enquiring whether it's free size for the clothes, why couldn't you phrase a proper sentence? What the heck does "One Size" means? Hell it can mean one size bigger or one size smaller. The shop attendant is not a psychic you know, naturally she will reply "sorry" with a higher end note, which in another word means "sorry? can you express yourself better", moron. Since your command of english is so "powder-ful", I'm sure your chinese is definitely stronger than ours. Haven't you heard of the phrase "打肿脸皮出充胖子"? If you can't converse in proper sentence structured English, just use Chinese! Don't have to act all pro. If the shop attendant is non-chinese, just request for a chinese. Another thing, it's true we usually say "thanks" instead of "thank you", but I'm sure the majority don't pronounce it as "dance". And for your information, "thank" is pronounce with the "th" sound, with the tip of tongue slightly sticking out, not "tank you". I'm suprise how did you even get your job in Singapore in the first place. I know! Your boss must be deaf. There's no way you can get a job in Singapore if you can't even speak proper English unless your boss is a freaking "chee-na".

What's that you say? Yes, it's another freaking weird sounding word Singaporeans use which means China. Just like the way you Taiwanese speaks chinese funny with the dialects accent. This is something unique to every country which spells "C-U-L-T-U-R-E". Opps, sorry I forgot you can't spell. If I can be rude, I'll say this in chinese "撒泡尿照照自己", I can safely say 90% of Taiwanese can't engage in an interactive basic English conversation. Who are you to correct our English accent? Even for the western countries, there are American accent, British accent, Canadian accent and so forth. I don't see you commenting on their accent, is it because you consider them superior to yourself? Or is it when they do rebuke, you'll be at a loss of words "literally"? LoLz...

Now, let me just wrap up the last part. The lady who commented about the word "pregnant". Previously, I've worked at the airport as a security personnel, thus I'm familiar with the security protocols and all. Hence, I don't see any reasons why would someone ask if you're pregnant. The credibility of the statement is dubious to start with. That aside, even if it's true, I can also understand why the personnel adopted that funny accent while speaking to you. Alot of times, even for myself, if I know the passenger is not well verse in English, I will either use chinese (obviously if the passenger is chinese as well), or I will use simpler terms and alter my accent in attempt to be understood. To put it crudely, I'm trying to stoop to your level so that you're able to comprehend the message we're putting across.

Frankly speaking, there are of course some Singaporeans who speaks with the Singapore accent, more commonly known as "Singlish". This group of people includes some of the older generations whom never in their life officially studied English before. But it's enough to engage in a basic conversation and that's fair enough. What more can you expect from them? All in all, the important thing Taiwanese should look into is rising the national standard of English instead of critising other countries. Look upon yourself, before you speak of others.

Hello again...

2008-03-31T22:10:00.004+08:00

Hello all~~~ It's been nearly 9 months since my last posting! What spurs me to come back to blogging is that time to time, people who came by to read my blog still post me nice comments and encouragements. I will try to post once again. Hopefully I will successfully bore some of you guys. Hahaha...

9 months is not a very long time, but it is sure long enough to allow a whole series of events to take place in my life. I am finally together with my special someone, Edwin (he's so gonna kill me for naming him here :P). I'm glad that we've finally overcome the obstacles laid for us in the past, and ready to meet more in time to come. Although I do admit that he can be quite an a** at times, but I know deep inside he still cares for me, just that he doesn't know how to express himself correctly. Being together is a learning process, learn about each other, embrace our differences, forgive each others' mistakes and accept the short comings. Hey remember what I've said previously? Live not with someone you can live with, but someone you can't live without. I hope some of you might already understand what I meant by that. ^^

For most of you who doesn't know, someone dearly to me had left in October 2007, my beloved Grandma. Sure I was devastated, but I guess it's the best outlet for her. She had been suffering from diabetes since her 40s and bedridden for her final 1-2 years. Even it has been 6 months since she left me, I still find it difficult to cope. Whenever I see a random old lady on the street, I still fight the urge to cry. Is it normal to grief this long? I don't know. I just hope that nothing goes wrong for my Grandpa. His health has been deteriorating since my Grandma passed on. Edwin warned me about some old couples, when one of them passed on, the other will follow shortly. I guess this links back to the post which I touched on Emotional Bonding. It should be what he meant, but the way he put it across, worries me more.

Not much time left before my bed time, so just lemme just rant abit about my job. As most of you should know, I joined Great Eastern shortly after I started blogging. It was great working there, friendly superiors, helpful colleagues, shitty work, grouchy head of department, what more can I say? =D That aside, not that I don't enjoy working there, it's rather I don't have a future there! The HoD stated that there will be no place for a person who doesn't even have a proper basic qualification. And in his content, basic qualification means at least a diploma and above. Can you believe he employed a master to do his frontline customer service? That poor girl's talent could have been put to greater use at another company! It's really 大才小用 and all the 小才 nowhere else to 用. Next please?!

That was when I look out for opportunities to move outta that man's face. Luckily, one of my online gaming friend introduce me to work at his firm. Same industry, different job scope. Currently am at ACE Insurance doing Employees' Benefit. Whoa... This thingy is very very new to me, totally different concept from the conventional insurance I was exposed to since young, which I believe applies to most of you reading as well. It is insurance but not quite at the same time, and exclusively via corporate channels only. It creates a win-win situation for both the employer and the staff at the same time. Personally I would say not many channels or programmes are available for HR personnels to tap into at no cost, this is the only one which allows them to do so yet most of them refuse to believe it. Da*n these people, open your eyes and ears and whatever you need to, to really share the benefits with fellow colleagues. Some of the HR personnels I've met up with, simply don't care about the well being of the company or fellow colleagues for that matter. They just thought that it's not gonna affect them much on a personal level, it will just create more work for them. Aww.. cmon, we're took the trouble of organising everything "swee swee" for you, what more can you do even if you want to? Grr...

I'm still trying my very best on this profile, not easy though. Giving myself a little more time to see if this is suitable for me, although it is depressing me enough already. Alright people, enough said, I'll come around to update more when time allows. Work has pretty much taken up most of my life nowadays.

If there's any topics you would like me to touch on, leave me a comment or yell something at the shout out box. Yes and I mean anything at all. Go ahead, knock yourself out.

Not For Long

2007-08-14T23:32:00.001+08:00

Greetings people... First of all, an apology to all who've been constantly reading my blog. Sorry I went MIA for quite sometime, it's been 2 weeks? Whole series of events happening in my life.. But this time round, it's not a bad thing. My special boy gave me a HUGE surprise on the last day of July, appearing at my office! He told me he'll be back on the 15th, yet it's all part of his plan.

Boss Attempt 2: Choco Peppermint Cookies & Sultana Walnut Cookies

2007-07-30T20:59:00.000+08:00

Yes! Second attempt in just one week's time. This time round - Chocolate Peppermint, my personal preference, and Sultana Walnut, something which my mummy and youngest sister likes, put altogether. Making process of the cookies remains much the same, I merely modify the recipes abit to suit the taste of majority. I've refrained from adding Dark Chocolate like I mentioned in the previous posting, and reduced the amount of sugar added. I don't wana have to compromise my diet in order to enjoy my own cookies. ^^

Usually I only add 1 teaspoon of Vanilla extract, so I thought 2 teaspoons of Peppermint essence would have been enough. But when both my sisters tasted the first batch I've made, they complaint that the Peppermint taste is not strong enough. In the end, I added a total of 5 teaspoons of Peppermint essence to the mixture before they are happy. Since today is monday, my fellow workmates are the first to taste my cookies. Perhaps it's due to the weird combination of Chocolate and Peppermint, NO ONE dare to try my Choco Peppermint cookies. Like 3 of them said they dislike the minty taste. One of them is Angel, though she likes the way the Choco ones look. Funny huh? I thought it would be more popular compared to the other. Everyone gave me good comments again, but this time round, Auntie Jo - a veteran CSO, gave me her honest opinions. She herself is into baking, but excel way further than me. She thought my cookies are abit too "soft" to be considered cookies. I don't know.. it feels ok to me. There are such a thing call Soft cookies isn't it? Anyway I blame it on the toaster oven which didn't allow me to adjust the temperature. Still I will improvise on the texture when I finally get a conventional oven.

Just when I was getting a little disappointed that no one tried the other flavour, Ivan - the temp boy working with me, plucked up his courage to try. Surprisingly, he loved it! So much so that he nearly finished all of them till his real life friend came over to try. The first comment his friend gave was "I feel like I'm eating mentos". Hahaha... can't please everyone. He feels that Peppermint and Chocolate don't go well together. Hmm.. it's a great combination to me. I used to favour "Eights", that Chocolate thin mints. It tastes good to him overall, 'cause he's a big fan of chocolate. He even complaint that the chocolate taste is not strong enough BUT the ratio of cocoa powder added is half to the amount of flour, anymore would be too overwhelming.

Finally, Weiye's opinion. He thinks the chocolate mint cookies are much better than the first. I feel that he's really enjoying them while eating. Heh.. there's a sense of satisfaction. Maybe due to the fact that it's rather hard to please his tastebuds. And I trust him to tell me the truth.

In all, I think the 2nd attempt on Boss Cookies works out fine, slightly better than the 1st. Since I'm learning through own modification without any guidiance or coaching, Boss considered DOWNED once again! Next Boss attempt in pending - Muffins!

Losing Weight?

2007-07-26T23:23:00.000+08:00

Losing weight has been a hot topic for more than a decade now, ever since the world's population becoming significantly fatter. It's somehow unbalance. People in developed countries becoming fatter while people in 3rd world countries still dies of starvation. Isn't it ironical? Coming back to the main point, the most important objective as to why one wana lose weight should be Health Issues. With obesity, there comes 101 diseases. Heart diseases, Diabetes, High blood pressure, Kidney problems just to name a few. But I'm sure in most of their minds, the more important aspect to losing weight is looking good. In this skeptical society emphasizing "Skinny is Beauty", I find it rather diffcult to reprimand their concept of wanting to be slim instead of healthy.

Obesity has always been an issue for me since young. Still, I'm considered lucky for I'm just slightly padded and not heavily loaded with lard. Since entering adulthood, never did I curb my eating habits nor exercise. With my metabolism rate slowing down, I gained fats rapidly and weighed a whooping 62kg at the end of last year. At my wits end, I went to a "professional" slimming center for "advice". My weight did managed to drop slightly while under their care. As of the last session I went, I was weighing 59kg before I left for australia. To my surprise, my body lost weight more efficiently then rather than when I was trying everything back in singapore. I still didn't exercise, merely cut down food intake to 1 meal per day. And after 3 months, I weighed of 52 kg the very morning I left. Since coming back to singapore, it has been fluctuating to and fro 52-53kg. Kinda expected it to slow down or remained stagnant, it's still demoralising though. I am now of healthy BMI, ranged 20-23 BUT I still appear fat. That's what vexing me!!

Back then when I first had the motivation to lose weight, I wanted to be healthy, not too light and slim. Now at my desired weight, I'm still looking fat. This is a No-No, so I'm still refraining from carbohydrates and jog occassionally. At this point of writing this post, I weigh 51kg. I had no idea what I was doing wrong till I had a massage session with this therapist/beautican, Janice. Been having sharp pain in my neck for about a month, so I thought it might be better if I go for a massage. Whilst massaging, we were chatting and hit on the topic of losing weight. She analysed my body and living lifestyle by just massaging me... not too bad I would say. My targetted areas, as qouted from Janice, are my thighs. She went on explaining that our kidneys slow down functions at around 11pm, thus I shouldn't drink a lot of water before I sleep, not at least 2 hours before. It wouldn't be processed as fast as it's supposed to be. Plus the fact, we don't usually clear our bladder while sleeping. Therefore, the excess water is being stored in my lower body. Right on the spot! As taught by my mother from young, I tend to drink more water before I go to bed.

Another point she got right is that I tend to hold back my urine. Hahaha... quite amazing to certain extend. She knew it when she felt that some of my lympathic nodes are blocked, I can feel small lumps when she rubs against them. Wow.. It has nothing to do with weight losing but it will cause me lots of pain when I get older. When I probed about my waistline not becoming smaller even though I lose significant amount of weight, she went on to massage my tummy area. Then explained that the nodes at the sides are severely blocked, blood can't flow through, so I didn't lose the fats around the area. Comparing to my flat tummy, the difference is quite distinctive. Once the side nodes are clear, I will automatically slim down.

I know ultimately she wishes me to go to her for treatment. But hey.. she's quite accurate and sounds logical enough. Her treatments are quite pricey but worth consideration. Think it's time for me to save up again. Anyone who wishes to try her services can either contact me or Nick for arrangements.

Bondage!!

2007-07-25T21:42:00.000+08:00

BDSM?? Nope, sorry to disappoint. Though I might touch on that if anyone is interested. I'm sure those who've read my blog from the start would have known that I'm a very emotional person, hardly ever make any logical decisions. I rely on my feelings alot and tend to yearn to be emotionally or mentally rich. And so, lemme talk about something important to me -- Emotional Bondage. Not that there's really this term, I kinda like made it up. Between people whom I've deemed important and me, I feel that we share this special emotional bonding which is unique and I strive solely on that. Thus you can guess, when the bond breaks, so do I.

My mum and me have this bondage, we used to confine in each other (not so much on my part till recently). It all started when something major happened to my mum in her previous job. Apparently she did something wrong and was forced to resign after working for approximately 10 years. At the same time, she was about to go for a Cyst Removal operation, I was the first she turned to. I remained the only one who knew what exactly she did wrong at her work place. Since then I've learned to confine in her and talked about my personal stuffs. We became like friends, most people couldn't understand the way we communicate 'cause we're impolite at times. After I came back from australia, I've tried to dine with her more than I used to. So 2 days ago, she asked me for dinner with my sister at Hougang Mall. Even though I was tired from work, I took the trouble to meet them. Due to Overtime, I was about 30mins later than the time we agreed on, so they waited at Cafe Cartel for me. I was expecting a simple dinner with mum and my youngest sister. Though I'm not really close with my youngest sister, she is afterall part of the family and I don't mind. But when I reached Cafe Cartel, there's a stranger sitting at the table. The first thing that ran through my mind was "wtf.. there's a non-family member, and mummy don't even have the courtesy to let me know lor". There's nothing I can do, except for joining them at the table. My mum and I was having a conversation and she interrupted, immediately I felt being intruded. It was rude of her to just cut my mum's words. Trying to be nice, I didn't wana show that I was displeased. I kept these to myself till yesterday night when I have the time to talk to my mum properly about it. Instead of seeing where I'm coming from, she took sides with that girl, turned around and said it's my fault. The moment she said that, I felt like that bond broke, and I feel so shitty inside. She blamed me for not being able to enjoy other's company. Aww cmon.. I know more about enjoying company than anyone else. All it matter is WHOSE company it is.

The kinda bondage I have with different people, is like a feeling which I feel we share. It can be mutual but can also be just on my part. Just for an example, I can feel strongly bonded to Weiye whereas to him, I might be another friend whom he can talk with. Between me and my special someone, I know I am strongly bonded to him but I can never force him to be as equally bonded to me. Or if he is, I can't force him to show it and I may never know. It's quite a profound subject to be honest. With my poor command of english, I can hardly describe it the way I wana.

Lemme qoute a real life example from my friend, MM. I just returned from her father's wake late this evening. Perhaps that's why I'm exceptionally emotional tonight. I would like to define "wake" as to wake up my f*rking idea. Hahaha.. Anyway not to sidetrack, she was telling us that her brother did not cry till the very moments before her father breathe his last breath. Remember what I said about when the bond breaks, I break too? I feel that this is the case here. When her father passed away, her brother was able to feel the emotional bondage broken, thus breaking down. For if it wasn't that case, he wouldn't be able to "feel" when his father was about to leave him.

Another good example and the more commonly known one would be between a mother and a new born child. Most of you shoulda heard of it. And most should know that this bond can be strengthen through breast feeding. A newborn child cannot express through speech, yet enjoy the same emotional bondage I speak of. This further support my point that this bondage is not shown through actions or speech, it's a feeling.

Actually I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at. There doesn't seem to be a coherent flow to this posting but I hope most of you should be intelligent enough to comprehend. Most important of all, treasure people who are important to you. Live not with people you can live with, but people you can't live without.

Cookie Feedback~~

2007-07-24T01:30:00.000+08:00

Imma just make a short posting before I go to bed. Quite a number of people got to taste my cookies today, my colleagues, Weiye, even my sister's friends. Apparently, my colleagues will of course say they're nice. Customer Service department, what do you expect? Hahaha.. even if it's not nice, they'll say it is. Weiye gave me his honest opinion, sounds abit fussy to me but it's all good. He commented that my normal Choco Chips cookies don't have the choco taste, which afterwards I feel the same way. I tasted another one when I came home, and it taste more like Walnut cookie to me, not bad. 2 boxes of cookies only left less than a box now, not too bad a result. Seems like alot of people enjoy the Double choco chips more now, so I shall improvise on it. I'll try to make the 'chocolate chips' visible on them like Weiye said, though I have no idea how to go about doing that at the moment. Also, I wana try making other flavours, maybe Almond cookies, Sultana or even Strawberry cookies. YUM! I wana try bake cakes but don't think it's feasible using a toaster oven. Hmm.. need to save up for one. That's all people, short and sweet. Good night~

Boss Attempt 1: Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies

2007-07-22T22:39:00.000+08:00

Once again, I've shown that I indeed keep to my words. Told Alfred and my family I'm gonna try make cookies maybe 1 month ago, finally did today. Made the normal Chocolate Chip Cookie and Chocolate Chocolate Chips Cookie. Both my sisters gave me 8/10 for the Double Chocolate Chip Cookie although they find it too bitter for their liking (hahaha coz I've added Dark chocolate). My mum prefered the normal Chocolate Chip cookies, as the other was too sweet for her. My youngest sister has been real nice and took pictures while I attempted cooking making. It's not as difficult as I thought it was, lemme show you guys how I did it. So simple, you would understand by looking at the pictures even.

Here's the list of Ingredients I've used if anyone is interested to attempt their own:

- 2 cups of All-Purpose Flour

- 1 cup Butter, softened

- 2 Eggs
- 3/4 cup White Sugar
- 2/3 Cocoa Powder
- 1 cup Semisweet Chocolate Chips + Dark Chocolate
- 1 cup Chopped Walnuts + Almonds or other desired nuts
- 1/4 teaspoon of Salt, 3/4 teaspoon of Baking Soda and 1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract

First, roughly chop the Walnuts and Almonds. They're optional though, you'll do fine without them. My mum likes them so I've added some. Refrigerate the nuts together with the dark chocolate (I've also chopped these) and chocolate chips.

Measure 2 cups of All-Purpose flour, Sift them to remove any impurities. Also added in the Baking Soda and Salt.

Now put the Eggs, White Sugar and Butter into a Mixing Bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract. Beat the mixture till creamy and well blended.

Combine the Cocoa Powder to the flour mixture (with Baking Soda + Salt already in) which was prepared earlier. Stir in the butter mixture, mix well. Add in the Dark Chocolate, Chocolate Chips and mixed nuts. I've restorted to kneading in order to mix them well.

After some kneading, it became like this. Texture is rather firm, and manage to hold the bits and pieces together.

Drop by Rounded teaspoons onto ungreased cookie sheet and press them slightly. They don't expand as much as I've expected, so after the first batch, I made slightly larger ones.

Not sure how long I've baked them for, roughly 5-7 minutes in my toaster oven. Since they're black in colour, I can't tell if they're browned enough either, so basically just went by feeling. Leave them for 1 minute before transfering to a wired rack to cool off completely.

Voila, Chocolate Chocolate Chips Cookie! Next time shouldn't put in Dark Chocolate since not everyone enjoy it as much as I do. Overall, it's all good. Didn't managed to take a picture of the normal chocolate chips cookie. It's about the same, just brown in colour. Some of you lucky ones will be able to taste them tomorrow or in the next few days. Hang in there!

Explanation for MIA

2007-07-20T20:11:00.000+08:00

Pink - Split Personality

I do not trust
So I can not Love
(uh can't no man be trusted)
Oh no, no, no
And I will not dare To open up
(This is dusted Pink)

Well my rents passed due
And now my car won't start
I hate the bus
(aren't you glad you have somebody to talk to?)
Tell me what do they see
When they look at me
Do they see my many personalities, oh no?

Chorus: Can you help me?
Can anybody hear me?
Can they even see me?
This my Reality, oh no

(can it be my turn now? said is it my turn Pink)
Said I'll say it again
You're my only friend
(I protect you from the world, I maybe even protect you from yourself)
Though I can't go on
I'm not satisfied with this being the end
(this is just the beginning)

Tell me why can't I just reach up and simply touch the sky
Tell me why can't I spread my arms and fly and fly and fly
Tell me why can't I say this
Why can't I do that?
Tell me what do they want from me?
Tell me how to act

Repeat Chorus x2

So I'm putting it all on the table
You don't know me well enough to label me
Sick or even disturbed
When you break it down, I'm just two girls
Trying to blend, Tyring to vibe (trying)
Trying to live just one life (it's so hard)
Everybody's got amenities
I've got a Split Personality

(why won't you talk to me?)
Can you help me?
(talk to me don't ignore me)
Do you hear me?
(I can't take it)
Do you see me at this time?
(oh calm down)
It's all mine
(it's not that serious)
It's my Reality
(we'll be just fine without them)
It's just too much for me
(forget them)
Oh, oh
(you're my friend, my friend, Pink.. Pink!?)

I'm back people! Don't think I'm much missed either, cause my counter didn't seem to have jumped alot. Been very very busy with work for the past one week. The girl, Shimin, whom I've worked under, left last week. Leaving me to work under another girl call Angel. Features wise, she's got big flirty eyes, small face, pleasant looking, generally portraying cuteness. Most importantly, she's above average height and slim, that is what PWNs all. The only thing which I feel doesn't suits her is her long blonde streaked hair, kinda spoils the whole illusion. You'll love her if she's quietly seated, the moment she speaks, there'll bound to be a huge "?" in your head. Firstly, her voice somehow doesn't quite match her looks and the way she talks.... OMG... typical "ah lian" style. Once, my ears managed to catch her include like 4-5 profanities all in one sentence. And I thought I'm bad enough. She was talking to her sister, here's how it went roughly: "Nin n* lar.. that C* ______ dunno how to f**king use her L* brain before she opens her L* mouth. (I've excluded the person she was directing the sentence at, and masked the vulgarities used) " Even I have a larger pool of vocab to choose from, I no longer use C* or L* unless I'm really pissed and agitated. There's always some ways to "accidentally" let us know there's a few guys going after her. I wonder how will the guys react if they hear or see her behaving that way? Muahaha... My personal view? She's not angelic afterall. But to the guys, of course she is. ^^

Been getting me and a new temp guy to do supposedly her work. We're to help her lessen her work load not do it entirely for her. She even has the time to blog, surf friendster, and chat on her phone during office hours. And that's why people, I hadn't had the time to write a proper blog. I had to do OverTime everyday this week apart from wednesday where my brain apparently couldn't take it anymore and refused to wake up. When I got back to work on Thursday, she managed to pile me up with so much work, I nearly broke down in the office. And today, she chided me for something which she didn't instructed properly but I was more pissed rather than mentally stressed. No wonder a person like her can survive so long in GE. Keeps pushing her work away and flashing smiles at the Department head (an old, mediterranean-blading style, paper-chasing, uncle who always like to employ girls over guys in this dept) are more than enough to save her ar*e. I thought after Shimin left, Angel would have no choice and take over her duties but Nooo.... A new girl replaced Shimin's post, Angel's already handing over Shimin's stuffs. Can't she at least help abit? Ultimate TaiChi master! Only know how to strut her stuff in front of ignorant, shallow guys. She told me once, when I was seated at Shimin's desk, "If you can push, you push away the work. Work so hard, every month also get that pay." At least she successfully does what she preaches. Pfft..

Perhaps today, I was feeling rather rotten because of her but I'm all better now, thanks to a random doggy. I was walking my usual route home from Hougang Station, then this brown, small-medium sized doggy with mid-length hair, appeared from the void deck with his lash trailing behind. Not sure what breed it is, but he's soooo adorable, look just like a dog plushie. It was running when I first saw him, but slowed down as it approaches me. Instinctively, I stopped. It circled me, and playfully jumped at me. I thought its owner is somewhere around, but there's no one except for an auntie who looked at me as if it's my doggy. I wanted so much to pick him up and run away. LOL! Never have I had this kinda feeling for an animal. Just feel like wanting to "sayang (malay for showering with love and care)" it. The only thing which managed to give me the same feeling, only stronger, is a person. But a doggy? Never before till then. I stood for like 30 seconds, thinking if I should be a good or bad girl. Considering the fact that my mummy will never let me bring it home, I walked away. The doggy playfully skipped along and followed me for abit before stopping quite abruptly, turning around frantically, as if finally realising it lost its owner. I wasn't sure what I should do, I wanted to walk back and bring it home or at least wait till its owner come back, but I didn't. But I turned in front and walk straight home without turning back to check even. T-T feels bad now, regretting... well feeling bad from not doing anything for the doggy, at least not from "angel". Gotta bathe now peeps.. hope that was rather "normal" of a posting.

--fill in your desired title--

2007-07-13T23:31:00.000+08:00

In one of my earlier post, I wrote on the topic on Changes. There and then, I thought I've pretty much covered the changes happening to me. What I failed to realise was pointed out by an online gaming friend, Fxla aka Adrian, yesterday. Abit sad right, that an online friend whom I've never met before, feel the change in me, and yet I fail to see it myself.

I wasn't really very close to him, just talk online then he MIA for quite some time till he came back to play WoW recently. And yet the first thing he asked was, "what's wrong with you?" I was taken aback, didn't know how to response. Like I feel there's nothing wrong with me. Hahaha.. but in the end I kinda know what he mean. Compared to when he first knew me, I am now less jovial and less responsive in his context. Then again, isn't that supposed to be good? Less jovial and not so crazy, people would then find me more sane. Less responsive.. hmm... I would put it as not straight forward. My straight forwardness had cause me alot of inconvinences. So it should kinda be a good thing too?

One thing I hope that would change, is my natural ability to feel. Geez.. it's so irritating at times. I didn't feel other people's feeling purposely, it just comes along and hits me. Everytime it does, I try hard not to be bothered, but always fail. Thoughts will start pouring into my mind, like why is it like that, etc. to the extend it keeps me from sleeping sometimes. The strongness of the feelings depends on different issues/persons though. Eg, these few days, 2 of my fellow colleagues last day, and there're more leaving soon. Can't help feeling sad even though I'm not supposed to be close to them at all.

Maybe this is not the best mood to blog, I'm not feeling quite ok. No, I'm not sick, I just recovered from flu. Can't say what's wrong either. Nevermind, adios people.

Alternative Thinkings

2007-07-11T23:26:00.000+08:00

First of all, I apologise for not being about to post regularly. I'm a slow writer, usually takes me quite long to finish a post, becomes quite tiresome after sometime.

Was kinda bored, and skimmed through "Interview with A Vampire" before I've decided to blog. Never occur to me that the show doesn't bore me regardless how many times I've seen it. Perhaps it's due to the fact that I am intrigued by Vampires to start with. Anne Rice portrays her vampires in quite an unusual way but somewhat logical. For an example, unlike the "traditional" way of becoming a Dark Child with a kiss on the neck, Anne Rice's vampires are required to feed their own vampiric blood to the target. The target will then "die away" their mortal life, and become a newborn vampire. If you watched the movie, you'll be able to understand what I'm talking about. The newborn Dark Child will then instantly become attractive, like fair skin, glittering eyes, sharp features and not to mention the sharp fangs.

Many a time, I've fantasized about becoming a vampire. Though immortality is not always good, but imagine living young forever with your companion, experiencing the differences of every culture, every era. And have all the time in the world to travel to different countries, visiting famous castles, museum, places which we probably wouldn't have the time or money to do all once in a lifetime. Don't forget the promise of having instant beautifying effect and staying gorgeous forever. Oh, and did I mentioned the Dark Gifts? This varies from vampires to vampires though, they will have somewhat basic powers but more advanced in a few. Some have the Fire Gift, as the name suggests - fire, need I explain more? Some are able to "transfix" their targets, maybe "hypnotise" is a better word, but not exactly so either cause their targets are more like being frozen without conscious knowing. The one which I hope for if I'm a vampire would be the Mind Gift. Yes yes, mind reading, you said it. The advanced users in this Gift are even capable of "altering" thinking. Totally wicked! Hahaha..

Ok enough of vampires. Let me share with you this book I'm about done reading - The Boy who saw True. Supposedly true story taken from the diary of a young Victorian boy, born with the gift to see "spiritually". Expecting it to be like a commercialised horror flick, it surprises me when I find it informative and rather thought-provoking. This young boy was not able to see just spirits but also the aura of the living. I think different colours are supposed to mean different things, but he was too young to comprehend and failed to elaborate in his diary. He stated this interesting aura I would like to share. They were in a hotel for holiday, and met one of the tenants, Miss Salt. This lady, as the author wrote, had an old gentleman sticking to her aura. I'm not really sure what he meant, that's the word he used, but he also said he could see the gentleman's face in her aura. Anyway, Miss Salt had a deep voice, wore mannish clothes and always sit with her legs wipe apart. This I qoute from the book : In technical terms, Miss Salt was obsessed by the spirit of an old gentlemen who had imposed himself on her aura and had to a considerable extent taken control. The obsession would easily account for, if she were alive nowadays, her peculiarities would be probably ascribed to lesbian tendencies. Never did I thought that homosexuality would be related to spiritualism.

In his book, his grandfather (in spirit form) guided him alot about spiritualism. He said there's isn't exactly a "heaven", only for those who believed there is when they were alive. Some spirits don't take it as they've already left their outer shells, and still talk as if they were still alive. He described the place he's in as planes or levels from what I understand. When they reach certain enlightenment, they will move on to a higher plane. Some will be reincarnated according to the laws of karma. Quite difficult for me to pen down, abit profound. Anyone interested can borrow the book from me, it's an easy read.

Personally, I've always believe in God, but remains a free thinker. As in I think there's an Ulimate Being which accounts for everything we have in our material world, but it's not like God in Christianity, Buddhism or other religions. It's just God. I do pray occassionally and also address him as Father, but I'm not christian, it's just a way of addressing. Hmm.. I think it's time he arrange something good in my life, quite enough of challenges he's set for me. I believe I've handled them quite well too. And so, I stop here, I'll try to pray more often.

一个好人

2007-07-08T19:15:00.000+08:00

For the past 1 week or so, I've been thinking how to go about making myself a better person. To be able to accept my past, look beyond it and accepted by others. There's abit of generalization in the last reason for it's the main but I won't go into elaboration.

Somehow I remembered the teachings of Miss Lim Chen Ying (i think that's how her name is spell, dun have to hide her), my Geography teacher in my earlier years of Secondary Education. She was in her mid-late twenties, petite, gentle and not to mention pretty lady with an exceptionally big heart. Young adults at her age should be working and enjoying Life, instead she devoted most of her time to teaching and volunteery work. During her lessons, she always emphasize the importance of thinking outta our own circle. At the point of time, I was very moved by her, and even tried to persuade her into organising an volunteery trip to Leper's Home. Eventually, it was called off due to the concerns of parents. Miss Lim, herself set a great example for us. In the 2nd semester of my Secondary 2 life, she had to bid farewell to us in order to complete a new chapter in her life. She had volunteered and been accepted as a teacher in some rural area of Inter-Mongolia. I was so sorry she had to go, almost anguish she wouldn't be here to care for us anymore.

Miss Lim promised she'll come back for us and indeed, she resumed duties at the start of my Secondary 3 Life. She was the one who helped lead the first ever 30 hours Famine camp in our school, held by World Vision. Me, together with few others, helped organised the event with her, making it a great success. We came up with different kinda games and activities which can help create awareness in young Singaporean minds. There was one activity where participants have to go barefoot, sit around the premises of the school, endure the stares of the public. That was to induce what it might have felt like to be begging along the streets. Another interesting activity was to go around the neighbourhood collecting old newpapers (not garung guni man) , mimicking the likes of a child labour. Quite obviously, through this nearly one and half day, we were to go without food and made to go through these activities with only drinks. Did I mention we can't bathe? Anyway 30 Hours Famine Camp was made famous since.

At the end of Secondary Education, just before it ended, our school's Saint John's Bridage Teacher IC, also the school's Disciplinary Master (sad to say also my form teacher), Mr Toh, planned to lead the St John's members to Chiang Mai, Thailand offering volunteer work under the guide of World Vision. I jumped at the opportunity to help the needy overseas when he came to class one day, stating he have some vacancies available. The trip is such an eye opener and ever so enriching. Although what we did during the 8 days trip was nothing compared to alot others, but we managed to talk to a village about AIDS and precautions, dig trenches to prevent forest fires, helped with abit of farming. The most memorable was when we spent a day at a school, we taught the children nursery songs, danced and played with them. We cooked them chicken rice for lunch but cooking for 50+ people is such a chore. I was supposed to cook the rice, but it was so heavy that I don't have the strength to mix it. The children ranged from 4-12 years old perhaps, they're no one special I know, but they're precious to individuals somewhere on this very earth you're living on too. I wish you coulda seen their eagerness to learn and their thrist for knowledge. Since some of the kids are pretty young, I had to help feed this 2 young girls, maybe only 4 or 5 years old. Both of them are so sweet and appreciative, keep telling me that the meal is very yummy, asked me to eat some myself and that they can feed themselves (hmm.. yes they can but with a big mess) . For fear of provoking jealousy among the kids, we were ordered not to give any indivduals gifts of any kind, not even pencil, biscuits or erasers. But I love both of the girls so much that before I left, I secretly handed each a sweet. A sweet is nothing to us, but both of them gleamed with joy and giggled. Children are so innocent. The feelings they convey are so true, direct and heartfelt, they make no attempt to cover their feelings.

Nothing impressive you might say. Don't conclude too fast, do it if you ever have a chance then talk to me about it. I'm sure you will change your point of view. And so I thought, hey it might be a good idea that I follow Miss Lim's footsteps, go overseas for volunteer work once again. It might be a good time for me to get outta my comfort zone and care for others again. Who knows I will return a better person. But the issue which held me back from putting my thoughts into actions, is also the same issue which sets me off wanting to become a better person. Kinda contradicting I know. I am absolutely clear of who and what my priorities are, that's why I cannot bear to leave for 6months or more. Furthermore, I've been awaiting the return of someone important, I can't bear to leave him once again.

Since he's of that much importance to me, I don't wana make a decision without even consulting him. The reaction and response I've gotten was only half correct of what I've guessed. Going overseas as a volunteer is only what I thought will make me a better person, doesn't mean I have to go and do it. There are still many other things I can do. If I want, I can do volunteer work right here at home, in Singapore (just that the unfortunates in sg are much fortunate compared to those in 3rd world countries). I merely wanted to discuss and let it be known what I've been thinking, never did I expect things to turn out this way, resulting in both parties being sad and unhappy. For my part, I feel like slapping myself for wanting to say everything. Therefore serves me right when my heart broke into million pieces as he said he will surrender me. It is afterall a thought, don't think I'll have the courage to put myself alone in a totally unfamiliar environment and be so 伟大 like Miss Lim.

But people, it is still good if we can do voluntarily work to help the unfortunate of our society. Be if financially or action wise. Financial help would be impossible for me but fret not, I'll come up with something real soon.

TV

2007-07-07T14:15:00.000+08:00

What's wrong with my youngest sister? Sometimes I really wish her dead, or wish myself dead, then I wouldn't have to face her or anyone elses. You know the way she talks to me or my mummmy is so freaking rude, there's no respect at all. Even I talk to my mummy in a loud hostile manner but it's mutual. Both of us know we don't mean any harm, it's just a 'friendlier' way of communicating we've adapted over the years. I don't use strong words which possibly hurts peoples' feelings unless I'm really angry.

After I left for australia, my youngest sister went to subscribe this stupid Channel[V] Taiwan, that only shows <<我爱黑涩会>> and <<我爱榜榜堂>> 3/4 of the time. Whenever she's home, she wana watch them, forbids my mummy to watch Channel 8 or whatever program mummy wana watch. I seldom watch TV to start with, but when I do, I watches Cartoon Network, cause cartoons makes me happy.

And so, just now when I woke up, I wanted to watch abit of cartoon while having lunch. 5mins into watching, my youngest sister came home. Without noticing, she just take the remote and changed the channel. I was sitting at the dining table watching still, like dumbfounded. Can't you have the courtesy to ask even? Or let me watch abit of TV? Not like I always hog the TV like she does. When I confronted her, she said, "I'm the one paying for the Channels so I can watch as and when I like, and whatever I like". What the hell, isn't it? So everybody elses cannot watch TV? Or we all have to watch what she wants? I know it's a trival matter. But still, it's so rude. It doesn't feels nice when she snapped back at me just like that and treat it like I'm not there.

Just ignore this posting, I think I'm going crazy cause I'm not feeling well. Still feverish after one day. It's burning me up, killing my brain cells! I can't think and the slightest thing irritates me! ARGH kill me someone.

Changes

2007-07-05T21:48:00.000+08:00

Heard many a times that people change. Never thought I would one day change myself for anyone or anything as I was always 我行我素. Didn't notice I have already change this much until just now when I was playing with my webcam.

First thing I noticed is how much weight I've lost, how much more appealing I am now. The most obvious and easiest to spot are of course physical changes. In the past, I was hardly bothered by the way I look. Was never on a diet either. To me, it had always been 能吃是福. I didn't wanted to have to constantly remind myself what's bad for health, or too fattening, and in the end you can't eat anything. So many people grow old and sickly, a whole load of food they cannot eat. In comparision, we can eat anything but choose not to, isn't that ironical?

Next is my hair style. Actually nothing special, I had a similar hairstyle 2 years back? But compared to the previous curly hair, it's 2 different styles. It's one of the shortest hairstyles I ever had.

My biggest worry -- I've became so much darker! Sigh.. I merely wanted to have a healthier tone, that's what prompted me to suntan in the first place. Alas it has now backfired. It will of course eventually goes back to my fair tone but I don't wana wait that long.

Thinking wise, I've changed quite abit. People who had knew me in the past, would never ever dream I will one day wana quit smoking. Smoking shortens life span, I knew that but dying never bothers me too much. We will all go eventually. Somehow somone gave me the biggest motivation to quit smoking.

Nowadays, regardless how tired I am in the morning, I still drag myself outta bed to work. So far I only skipped work due to sleep once which is considered not bad. In the past, I will heck care and continue sleeping. My sleeping pattern has improved alot too. Instead of sleeping when the sun comes up, I now sleeps around 1-3am, huge improvement.

Biggest change of all is that I no longer put on a strong front always. When I feel a need to cry, I usually try to hold it back. But that day when I was talking to Weiye about my past on the train, I just couldn't hold them back no matter how hard I try. Hahaha.. I can refrain myself from crying effortlessly in the past. Now I do show my weak side, even at the wrong place.

Change, all for the better, all for one.

Complete Randomness

2007-07-04T22:10:00.001+08:00

Disclaimer: The following post is unreasonably long and absolutely no flow at all(then again, when did my posts has any flow?). I will acquire no responsibilities or whatsoever should readers suffer permanent brain damage from it.

Been feeling rather lerthagic over the weekends, thus did not make any postings. Hasn't really been mentally sound either, some mind-boggling past manage to snake its way back and ambush me. Whatever it is, I'm still sane enough not to go on a killing spree like that korean student. I'll go on a random posting spree. Don't ask me what I'm writing about. I'll be just penning down anything that comes to my mind. And NO, I'm not gonna care about my grammer, sentence structure, language, spelling or whatever in this post too.

Allow me to share 2 overdue incidents which made me quite happy. Last friday, Weiye told his colleagues (2 ladies) he's gonna lunch with a fat, ugly girl (me apparently). I have no idea he talks of me that way even behind me. But anyway, the same 2 ladies saw me as we came back from lunch and they chided Weiye for saying I'm fat cause I appear slim to them. Wahaha I didn't know till Weiye told me on Monday. Boy was I happy! On the same Monday, Weiye met one of his random friends as we were on our way home. His friend thought I'm his girlfriend, and of course, Weiye rebuked with what he had said for yearrrrrs -- "She's so fat and ugly, how can be my girlfriend?". BUT this time round, his friend shoot him back and said "No ar.. I think she's pretty." LOL! OWNAGE! Weiye weiye... at least got people dare to talk back at you. I know I'm no longer that fat, you just wana be mean. Remember what I told you over sms, coach me when you've mastered it ok?

I've been feeling quite down these few days, not just because of what's happening in my life. Mainly because of my past. NO, I'm not gonna talk about my past here. You wish. Only a few selected people knew about them. The traumatic incident which happened 12 years ago, cost me almost everything. There was no one I could turned to, not family not even friends. I had to keep my mouth shut, keep everything inside and retreat to my deepest self. I remember attempting suicide, but can't remember what I did exactly. That incident had somewhat moulded me into what I was later on in my adolesence years. When I looked upon it now, of course it's just plain stupidity. I can only reprimand myself. Maybe that's what prompted me to take a strong liking in psychology since 14 years of age. Perhaps a futile attempt to understand myself. I can't imagine how I will be if I didn't have the courage to pick myself up. Maybe there wouldn't even be Adeline as of now, maybe I would have been dead. Isn't that what most important? That I managed to grow stronger outta them? Haiz.. I need to learn NOT to be naive. Not another living soul will I tell about my past from this moment.

It was on my mind so much that I was practically wasted at work today. Luckily I've processed most of the declaration letters yesterday, so I just had to manually fold and put them into envelopes. Even with that, my hands just stop folding at times and I was just stonning there, thinking. I didn't realised both my hands are full of paper cuts till I went toilet. Such an irritating feeling, cause they stings and yet I cannot see where they are exactly. Almost like an analogy against my past.

PEOPLE! I no longer have long hair! After work, I just feel like cutting my hair, do something drastic to myself. So I did what I do best. Sit there do nothing, let people do whatever they like to me. The hairdresser auntie was so happy when I said "Err.. auntie just cut whatever you like". I patronised her since I was in secondary school, and I always had long hair. She was doubtful, and confirm by saying "you sure anot? I cut short short hor". She's been waiting to cut my hair. ROFL. Anyway I think my current hairstyle looks abit longer than what most butches have. Those very very layered type. Hmm.. a little weird but I'll get use to it. It's better than my curly hair anyway. Enough of my dolly look. More like a sick doll. At least there wouldn't be anyone to say I'm trying to imitate whoever's look. My fringe is little too short, a little ugly. I'll help Weiye say "what difference will it makes?" Hahaha.. none. But I am who I am.

Does the past really matter that much? Isn't the most important thing being I've learnt from them instead of shutting myself off from the rest of the world? So tired of being strong, I wana break down and cry, who will allow that? I've already paid dearly for my past, why do I have to pay somemore? Enough said. It just me being naive on my part, thinking if I myself can take it, others should be able to cause afterall they were not the ones encountering. But now I know majority cannot take it, and I shouldn't have told anyone about them.

Regret also no use, already been told. What's done is done.
"Excuse me, Medium rare for my meat please."

Cigarettes smoked atm: 3

Friday Night Out, quite the Unusual

2007-06-30T01:16:00.000+08:00

Today had been rather jolly in comparision to other days of the week. For the sake of friends and Botak Jones, I went all the way to Clementi after work. Freddy and Alfred are now officially the first to see me in smart casual office wear. Luckily it's Friday, else you would have seen me in formal, sweating like a pig in Kopitiam. BTW, Botak Jones is this "authentic" American Food stall open by an angmoh (singaporean way of refering to westerners), offering relatively large portions of food at hawker prices.

Oh I'm glad I have both Freddy and Alfred's company, it did take my mind off things for a moment. But of course, it probed me to think when we occassionally mentioned my special somone. Hahaha.. I'm no saint afterall, what'd ya expect? After a good chat, after they left, it's only emptiness that's left and swallowed me whole again. Predictable so I didn't mind much. At least I think that's what Weiye meant by "un-repeating your life" in his blog.

For most of the time, we were touching on paranormal topic. Boy it gives me creeps... It's an intriguing subject but freaks me at the same time. I shan't go into details cause it's like already 2am, alone in my dark room, an imaginative mind, and well, literally no balls. What I can write about is my mindset and beliefs on this issue.

Some of you might have heard that our brains produce brain waves or frequency, not sure how it works but I believe it does. My beliefs are when our bodies die away, our brain waves is the residue. Everyone's brain waves differs slightly from one another. When 2 beings manage to hit the same frequency, they'll be able to "see", "hear", "feel" our deceased alikes though it doesn't happen often. People who can alter their brain waves more efficiently than others, will be able to lower or increase their frequencies to match those of the deceased. These people are more commonly known as "Psychics" or "Mediums". I remembered Oprah invited 2 mediums to her show before, one of which has the same thinking as I do. He does not always get a reading but when it does, it came across to him as a feeling instead of concrete words.

Erm.. 2.30am, reckon I should stop. You can discuss this topic with me, just make sure you do it in bright daylight. Adios peeps.

Things I Think

2007-06-28T23:02:00.000+08:00

Age is catching up with me. Sigh... Just as I was jogging, it dawned upon me that I'm already 24 years old. Maybe not so much of physically ageing yet, but my mind can't help feeling old. Perhaps it's life experiences which helped me mature faster than I want to, or did it makes me even more reluctant to grow up?

The thought of turning 30, with nothing to do apart from work, work and more work, freaks me out. Given my personality, I reckon I'll be pretty much the same even at that age. Don't worry, you'll still hear me say "I wana watch cartoon!" and /pout. I know what you guys are probably thinking about -- "wth... 30 years old lady pouting and wana watch cartoon. such a horrible sight". Hahaha... I still don't see what's wrong. That's how I am, that's what I'll still be. And that's precisely what's bothering me at the moment.

Independence: Freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others. Yes, independent I am (or at least I think so). Since young age, I don't get much monetary nor emotional support from my family, they are not to blame though. I understand the importance of work, but with my low qualification, I'll have to work doubly hard. In the past, I've been allowing the child in me to take control. Lacking self discipline, motivation and logical thinking, I was always contented to earn just enough for what I use. That's still the case now but I feel I should start saving. Not for un-necessary luxuries but for old age. I cannot imagine still working my a*s off at the age of 50 with fellow colleagues secretly donning the nickname "old maiden" on me. That'll be pathetic. Unless it is for the sake of family, it'll be a different story. Look at my mum, being 48 years old and working still. But all for the sake of the family and 2 schooling sisters. I'm sure she'll feel worth it when both of them complete their studies. I know cause I'll be. Although I'm not the one paying for their education, but I've made my sacrifices along the way. Not gonna state them here, go figure them out. Heehee...

At least at this point of time, I feel very motivated to work and prove to others that I will not be put down by the misconceptions they have. Time to put the child in me to sleep. Time to not always rely on feelings for "non-relationship-tional" (I made that word up, but u get the idea) issues. That's the main reason which prevented me from finding office jobs in the past. I FELT that it's not me to work in offices, well also I don't have the required qualification. I've gotta learn how to think logical in this aspect, if not it's really gonna cause me alot of inconviniences. Gotta start THINKING and not FEELING. On top of that, THINKING is a must in an office environment, else I'll be on the losing end. If you would refer back to one of my earlier posts - Pleasers, refresh memory. Still I refuse to betray my inner child, I'll only put her to sleep when I'm in my office. People who knew me for long, knows that I don't fake myself. But I'm starting to learn how in order to survive on the battlefield of Great Eastern, disgusted by my own actions though. Hahaha.. I knew that young temp girl working with me likes to gossip alot. So I initiated a conversation with her, not restricting the topics, just letting it flow and occassionally probing her. True enough, it wasn't long before she started b*tching about this other workmate. Turned out I don't like this particular person too, but usually when I dislike someone, I shunned him/her altogether, simply /ignore and avoid anything that has gotta do with them. In order to learn how to be fake, I have to start somwhere. ROFL! And so I b*tch with her. But I had to change the topic cause it got too uncomfortable for me to bear. Hahaha...

Guess it's now all up to you now, Weiye.. I have to learn from this ultimate b*tching goddess! Show me the ropes!

3 in a Row! BINGO!

2007-06-28T00:24:00.000+08:00

Geez.. 3 ktv sessions in 5 days! Beat that. Both my cousin and friend had ktv as birthday celebration last saturday, and I just went ktv again! Didn't really planned to go, kinda impromptu as Weiye suggested after work, and so we went. Supposed to go this ktv which only cost 10 bucks, alas they have dress code restrictions and minimum of 40 bucks spent criterion. We ended up in this ktv call "K-ster", getting a 12bucks package, with 2 drinks and around 3hrs of singing time. If you just wana sing for relaxation, it's not a bad place. But if you ask me, I'll rather spend abit more for a better place.

First of all, most of the employees are from China (note: pronounce as Chee-Na in Adel style), though I think one of them was really cute. Never thought I'll feel something for a butch, but if I ever, she'll be the kind I'll like. Anyway don't sidetrack. Personally, I am prejudiced against China people, not trying to hide it. But guess what for a fact? They're on our land cause theirs is overpopulated but people are still f*rking, probably more on the way. Their future generations will probably scheme to dominate the world and flood others to death using saliva. Anyway I was saying (argh I have the tendency to sidetrack always), they need to make a living outta us, so they have to 忍辱偷生. For all the hatred we have towards them, they actually feels the same way about us. Duh... of course they can't tell you straight in your face.

Drinks wise are still acceptable. They have quite a good range of selections to make from, just no alcoholic for our cheap package. Their Iced Honey Lemon tastes good, not like some premade syrup but the glass abit small, makes for the 2 drinks then.

For songs selection, they use the computerised mouse system. Quite cool I thought, not suitable for big groups, cause you've gotta move around and use the mouse. Overall not bad, it's not as laggy as how Kbox's system can get at times. Or when you have to frantically aim at the sensors using the remote. But their songs not "very" new, and lack some songs. I tried to find 梁静茹's 憨过头 but they don't have it.

Among all the ktv I've went to, this has the lousiest sound system. When you sing, your voice is your voice, the music is the music. No matter who singing or what song, it doesn't blend in. Doesn't make any difference with me singing at home, to the tune playing on my laptop. Then again, precisely because my voice is so clear cut from the music, I can hear myself perfectly. Making it easy to pitch effortlessly, much better than when I go Kbox or PartyWorld. I noticed that cause I can reach high notes in songs where I would have problems usually.

Hmm... notice ever that when you sing or listen to songs, subconsciously always take the song's situation into yourself? Or is it just me? Heh... Like the song to the right panel now, someone once said it's his song to me. And it fitted into us perfectly. I like 李圣杰 alot to start with. Somemore this particular person coincidentally resembles 李圣杰, makes me like him even more. So when I'm deprived of having the convinience to call or hook up on webcam, I can always search for 李圣杰's MV on youtube, desperately trying to ease the yearn. For now, do enjoy the song -- 重来.

Give up!

2007-06-26T22:32:00.000+08:00

"人都是犯贱的" Sigh... I'm no exception. For 2 days, I tried to give up a relationship which I've treasure and hold on for so long. In the past, regardless how others persuade, how they put me down, I didn't even sway, I merely held on to my faith and based on my feelings. Somehow 2 days ago, I managed to convince myself that if I give him up, it would be easier for him and make him a happier person. No matter how much it pains me, I did everything I could to be mean to him, forcing myself not to call, not to reply his messages, not to pick up calls. I tried to show that I don't care, only to fail miserably. After much 拖拖撤撤, he finally gave in, and both decided that we would have nothing to do with each other after the conversation. Initially, I knew it will not be easy to forget him and totally 死了心. But the feeling I got when I knew that he's lost to me forever, that I'll never get to see him or have any news of him, is something which I wasn't prepared for. It's like I knew I would be heart-broken, but I am the one who chose it to be that way. Felt that 自己很该死, not being able to continue after enduring for so long. Actually quite indescribable, hard to put in words. Basically tormenting. 失去后才后悔，才想珍惜, yet I cannot do anything cause I was the one who decided.

Alot of times, people don't know what's good for them until they really lose it, then they feel the pinch, feel the pain. But until then, it's too late to salvage the situation. Luckily for me, I managed to 悬崖勒马. Then again, I would never know how important it is to me if I never lose it in the first place. Now I know, Weiye, you will have alot to preach but please understand our perspective on Life is so different. I do see your point, and I know how wasted I am, that's why I'm trying to improve on my life.

Ok wait.. don't sidetrack. This post is to be focus on how you realise things are important to you after you lost it. What I'm saying is what most people thought they understand. Trust me, you don't really do unless you've encounter it yourself. Think back upon your life, are there things that made you go "why did I give up then?" "what on earth were I thinking?" "why didn't I do that?" so on and so forth, and when you thought of the incidents, you should be feeling remorseful and heartache (心酸). Don't restrict to only relationships though they are the easiest to relate to, apply it to ANYTHING in your life. For an example, I blame myself for not having the strength to continue my tertiary studies back then.

A lesson learnt once again. Things which I feel are important to me, are probably more important than I think they are (eh... does not necessarily applies to everyone. dun come bombard me.^^). Whatever reasons it is behind the decision, think carefully. If you cannot be determine and strong enough (like I wasn't coz it's of too great significance), then don't give up! Persevere even if you think you will fall badly. At the end of the day, whatever the outcome, at least you'll know you've done all there is to hold on to what's of importance, and you are not to blame anymore.

我是真的

2007-06-25T19:19:00.000+08:00

我总是站在你背后

看着你和她亲亲我我

而我只能躲在被窝

怪自己不懂看风使舵

我试着让自己走

却怕一走你就会跌痛

而你一直迷迷隆隆

不去决择只想逃脱

我知道有些时候

你不小心忘了我的笑容

也知道不是有意

忘了我在等候我真的懂

谢谢你让我有机会真的爱过

这样一来我没有白活

虽然心中有的不只是我

但曾经也在某个角落

为你心痛为你泪流

谢谢你让我有机会真的伤过

一点一滴都留在心中

放弃你不是我要的念头

就让这一切变一场梦

梦里有你爱着我就够

梦里面你我都没错

Master of Solitude

2007-06-24T18:25:00.000+08:00

Oh yeah.. Finally gotta meet up with Weiye's brother, Weicai. Another person whom I've been thinking all through these years, not as in miss him. Geez.. but like there's something about him which intrigues me, his mindset probably. Since the years in Secondary School, he's been always deem as a loner. You can see him walking around in school, having lunch or whatsoever, alone. And it doesn't bothers him. Even years later, he's still pretty much this way.

When it's regarding training wise, I kinda see his point. To him, it's a discipline to train alone, so he don't grow to rely on his training buddy. If one day, his buddy cannot make it, it doesn't mean that he can't train. If I run alone, at least I don't have to worry about the other person. But still to me, it depends on who the other person is. All these are on training wise though.

I beg to differ on other issues. He asked if I can catch a show or have dinner by myself, clearly it's a No. I don't like the feeling of having to do things alone, I might as well not do it. Like when Weiye stood on me for lunch, I didn't get any cause I don't feel eating anymore. Weicai then stated that the baseline of eating is getting energy, so it's perfectly ok to eat alone. I do get that point, but if I have to eat alone, I'd rather not. Hahaha.. weird you might say. Then again, human beings are "herd" animals. I'm sure, some time in life, you encounter/heard about very old couples, when one of them passed away, the spouse probably passed away sometime after.

Though I don't like to do things alone, I still can manage if I have to. Things are totally different if my special someone is here with me. As long as he's with me, what we're doing doesn't matter to me anymore. Even if it's sitting at East Coast park or MacRitchie reservoir in silence, I'm enjoying his presence, his company. Weiye said before that one person can be with you physically, but for all you know, his mind could be somewhere else, thinking of something/someone elses. Of course, I understand that but I'm sure you'll be able to "feel" whether a person is WITH you there and then. I am able to "feel" it when the person next to me is not being himself, not that it's a good thing, I'm saying that you can do that. At times, it's terribly annoying when I detect that but it just comes to me automatically.

Although I'm not close with Weicai at all, but I look upon him like a big brother (maybe because I'm the eldest myself). Knowing that he spends most of his time alone, I feel sad for him, even if he doesn't care. Boy you must learn to enjoy company. There are times you wana be alone, but definitely not all the time. It's not ok. Actually we have to learn from each other. I have to learn to live in solitude, whereas Weicai has to learn to enjoy others' company. Both of us are at the extreme ends, and we have to strike a balance inbetween. Since I came back from Aus, I knew I have to accept the fact of living alone. Just that it's so difficult.

People people.. Learn to enjoy and treasure the ones around you.

Don't Complicate Me.

2007-06-23T12:44:00.000+08:00

When I was much younger, I was such an eloquent speaker, expressive with words, strong with ideas. In an arguement, I can convey my POV and probably win it with minimal efforts. Sadly I came to realise that recently, I've been struggling to convey my message to other people, not without reasonable stutterings and repetition. Many a times, during a conversation, I lose grip on what I wanted to say and gets blindly lead on. It could be due to old age, that's why I forget what I wana say easily! Geez... getting old and senile already. Well I can also think of it the other way, could be due to I worry too much as to how others will respond to what I say, especially to people who I care for.

I also realised that I don't react to sacarsm anymore. Like Weiye, he's well knowned for his foul mouth. Over the years, I guess he's pretty much used to criticizing me for all sorts of things. I would interrupt him and rebuke him without much thinking. For now, I simply smile and take them all in. It's not just with this individual being, I reacted same way to others too. Of course, I do still feel bad when people says nasty stuffs, I don't know why I don't react the way I used to anymore. Perhaps it's just sad realization that caused this change in me.

Just the other day, Weiye branded me as "simple-minded". Haha.. Maybe, just maybe, I am indeed simple-minded, but tried to put on a strong front so as to protect and defend myself, and don't get push around by other people. You know how some people is, if they think you're weaker than them, they will try to take advantage. Maybe I was trying to prevent myself from getting bullied by these people. But now, I don't see what's wrong with being simple. Why would one wana fret thyself by complicating matters? Weiye qouted from someone "A smart chess player think 3 steps ahead of the opponent. A genius think 300 steps ahead". I feel that it's giving yourself more to worry about. 3 steps is understandable, but 300 steps? LOL! Boy he thinks too much.

Look at the way Life is created, look at the way creatures and processes are smartly intervened. Everything is created for a reason. Scientists always makes them sound all so confusing, but if you really sit down and think about it, you'll realise actually it's all simple. Has been that way since "盘古开天". Only us, the self proclaimed "higher beings" complicate matters as we get more and more intelligient over the centuries. I feel that one fine day, human beings will become too clever for ourselves and probably created the ultimate doom that destroys everything. Too bad I won't live to see that day come. Haha.. unless there's really such a thing call reincarnation. Like Jessie Sampter said "Simplicity is the Peak of Civilization".

All in all, I still feel that simplicity is a bliss. Even though I'm 24 years old, there's nothing wrong with me enjoying cartoons, nothing wrong with me acting like a child all the time, nothing wrong with my naive perspective on life, nothing wrong with me feeling contented with a piece of dark chocolate in my mouth. Look at the majority of the people around you, why do they wana act the "template" behaviour, why do they try so hard to impress, why they wana do things they don't want so they can please others? Doing all those only give themselves more trouble if not for a reason.

If after reading this much, and you're trying to understand what I'm writing, STOP. It's so simple that you shouldn't need to think about it, it should come across like the way you breathe. Spend some time, before bed, on the bus or while shitting in the toilet, calm down and you'll see what I mean in this whole posting. Who knows after people start realizing the simplicity of Life, everyone would put on their birthday suit and /dance?! Muahaha.. I would definitely wana live to see that.

Me? Me.

2007-06-19T23:32:00.000+08:00

My utterly gorgeous best friend (he would want me say that), Weiye, thanks for finally talking to me. Though you hadn't really been by my side, you're the still only one who know me best and can understand my weird thinkings. Is this the only time I've open up so much? I thought so. Actually there's more things I wana say, but I didn't, for fear of breaking down. That's why I merely touched on generally life issues.

After listening to Weiye's interpretation on life, I wouldn't say he didn't affect me. For a person with a strong mindset, he did manage to alter my thinking for at least a tiny weeny little bit. My main goal in life remains the same. Since young, I've dream of growing old with my significant other, basking in the setting sun in each other's arms. Somehow, I can't visualise that happening anymore. Not that I don't care anymore, just that I can't do anything about it. It's what you call "无奈". Some things happened at the wrong time, wrong place, whereas some things never happened when it should. Worse part is you can never ever control another being's actions towards others, and you might never ever anticipate what they could possibly do.

After spending one freaking hour on the toilet bowl, picking on my skin, I've at last set some goals. For a start, I wana quit smoking in the next 6 months. If I can't, I wana at least not smoke one in a day. In the following 5 years to come, I wana be able to get LASIK and see through perfect eyesight I've dreamt for years. Also in the 5 years, I wana fix the fugly pigmentation on my face.

Then come the lifelong dreams. At this moment, there's 3 I can think of, but only 1 which seems most feasible. I thought of bringing Nandos into Singapore, but there's too much monetary issues to be considered, too far fetch for an ordinary girl like me. Next I thought of becoming a Sexologist which I thought of when I was in Secondary school. For that, I think I have to have a degree in Psychology (or is it Biology?) before I can go to some university in England, which is the only place that offers Sexology. If I ever succeed doing that, I'll be like 40 years old. I don't know but the thought of it is amusing to me. Lastly, my most down-to-earth goal, is to own a cake shop, not a bakery rather like a cafe. My resist against cakes has always been low. How mouth-watering the cakes appear and how tempting the names sounds, always manage to lure me into buying some. Most of the times, I'll awe in disappointment as they are always too sweet to my taste. One day, I want customers to be able to feel my cakes and not just taste them iterally. I wana be able to create that many cakes till there's one for every feeling. Though it's still impossible at my current stage, but it's the most managable of the 3 goals. Now Weiye, I know this is kinda like your dream too, help me establish it together!

(You might not know what is most important to me. I mght appear to be some weird girl always trying to vie for attention. One day I hope everyone will know how true and precious it all is. Why hadn't the elements of life brought fated ones together earlier? It would all have been well. Perhaps, my life is a joke God decided to create so he can show "supposedly" the other deities, how screwed up a life he can write. Well he succeeded in breaking me entirely on the inside, alas I'm still in one piece on the outside.)

Living in Solitude

2007-06-18T19:19:00.000+08:00

When I was away from Singapore, away from people who supposedly cares for me, to live with the one whom I care for, I didn't miss home at all. I was then getting the much-sought attention from my family and friends. My mum called to ask about me once few days, and friends were looking forward having me back home. As much as I don't wish to come home, I had to.

Sure enough, people were elated when I reached Singapore shortly. Friends called as soon as I touched down at the airport, wanting to hang out with me once again, seeking my company. My mum showed her concern in her own way by nagging at me. My second sister marvelled at how much weight I've lost. Even my youngest sister, who hasn't always been on the best term, was happy to see me. That overwhelming attention I was getting, made me feel even more alone than I was back in Australia. There is an important piece missing from my jigsaw puzzle.

I knew I had to do something about it, I thought work could probably take my mind away. 3 weeks from coming back home, and 1 week of work, proves me terribly wrong. Things resumed to its old self. Friends stopped asking me out, mum stopped chatting with me like the way we did over the phone. Both sisters busy with their own lifes. Everyday becomes repetitive, wake up, work, home, sleep. I realised I'm doing pretty much everything alone. Go work alone, lunch alone, come home alone, alone in my room.

While I was in the train, on my way home just now, it was as packed as usual, but I felt so lonely I was totally oblivious to my surroundings. The squeaking of rubber, rumbling of the tracks, chattering of people, sounds muffled to me, as if I'm completely swallowed by a bubble containment of some kind. The sky was drizzling when I came outta the train station. For a moment, I stood there glazing at the sky, dumbfounded. I have no idea why I responded that way. I feel silly as I look back upon it. LoL.. My mind was jammed full of thoughts as I was walking home, but it was so messy I dunno what I was thinking about. I didn't even realised I was approaching home, my body just carried me the route I walked for years.

All in all, no matter how crumbled I feel inside, as soon as I step into my house, or being with people who know me, I have to brace myself and put on the strongest front I can manage. I wana be able to just break down and cry. To be able to rave and shout random stuffs. To be able to tell the one I love, how much I do and as often as I like. To be able to tell my father that's not the way he should treat our family. To be able to tell my youngest sister to wake up her f**king idea. To be able to tell the whole world I'm not the girl they think I am. To be able to tell my mum I need more of her love.

Meanwhile, I can only say all these to the cute polar teddy sitting by my bedside. My best friend for now.

Important Aspect of Life

2007-06-16T20:34:00.000+08:00

Though you might not have notice, it's something we have to face every single day of our lives, decision-making. We make choices to the simple things of life so easily that we don't take note of it. You wake up in the morning, decide what to wear, decide what to have for breakfast, stuffs like that.

There are some things which we don't have the power to decide on too. You don't get to choose if you're born male or female. You don't get to choose who you're born to. To some unfortunates, they can't even choose to be born healthy or normal. These, which we can't amend, are already decided by Him. Whether you're happy with his decisions, there's nothing we can do but to live with it.

Another classic situation is where there seems to be choices to be made, but it had already been decided on not by you and you'll be forced to make the decision already chosen. Sounds complicated? I'll give you a scenario. A kid went into a toy store with his mother. The kid picked a set of toy cars whilst his mother picked a board game. His mother gave him a stern look and asked him to choose. If this kid is mentally sound, he will, of course, "choose" the board games. It's kinda similar to how Singaporean parents plan their children lifes in recent years, starting from the 1980's generation. They buy insurance as soon as their baby is born, plan what the child would become, plan for their university fees, so on and so forth.

There's 2 ways to how you make decisions. One is through logical thinking, the other based on feelings. Logical thinking is quite straight forward. Let's say for example, choosing a diploma course. A logical person would weigh out the pros and cons to the future the course holds for them. Maybe between Bio-technology and Information Technology, he might possibly choose Bio-technology as the market for IT is already pretty much saturated, and would be difficult for him to crave a niche for himself. But for a person who makes decisions based on feelings, he would just choose the course which interests him most. So if he's into IT, he will choose IT regardless how saturated the market is.

Hmm.. I've devised a way to recognise which group people belongs to, though it's not proven and most probably not true. Hahaha.. still you can take into consideration and see for yourself. I realised a logical thinking person usually uses "I think......." when he expresses his opionions whereas a feeling person uses "I feel......." Words such as these usually comes out subconsciously without thinking, and reflects how a person is. Personally, I find myself using "I feel" more as compared to "I think". Looking back on the past decisions I've made, true enough, most of them were made following my heart rather than making clever/correct choices.

Of course there's no right or wrong way to making a decision, all come down to what you deem important. If you're a logical thinker, good for you as you always weigh out the consequences and choose the best option available. If you're a feeling person, good for you too, as you always listen to your heart and will not do thing you don't want to.

ANYWAY, you've just wasted 5mins of your life because you've decided to read my post. Hahaha... Be well peeps.

Start of Life's Longest Chapter - Work

2007-06-12T23:22:00.000+08:00

A normal human being actually works most of his/her life away, like around 30-40 years. I first started working when I was 15 years old, doing all kinda jobs. I grew to dislike office vocation, hadn't had any for quite awhile. Now that I got the temp job @ Great Eastern, I must really buck up and prove myself worthy even without proper qualification. Even though I don't like office environment, but I reckon it's the only place where I have a higher chance to survive if I just do my job promptly. Anyway enough of my job, it's nothing special, just administrative stuffs and changing of insurance policies.

The very one thing bothering me now is, I'm badly sun burned! I went Sentosa with Alfred last saturday to suntan. I merely wanted to tan abit, have a healthier tone instead of my ghostly pale appearance which I've donned for years. And they say a tanner person appears slimmer/smaller sized. Alfred said he would go suntan with me since like 2 months back, so we did when I finally came back.

I did not keep track of the amount of time we were under the sun, basically going by feeling. But Alfred told me I don't look tanned enough, so I keep tanning my front. Now I'm badly burned! Both of legs are swollen like pig trotters. They weren't small to start with, but it's worse now. My shin feels like someone hit them with baseball bat, making me walk with a limp. I've gotta see a doc if my swelling don't subside tomorrow morning.

Physically, I look like I've been torched alive or contacted some weird skin disease. This past 2 days, I've been enduring stares from the crowd when travelling to work, train or bus alike. How I look like is only secondary to me, it's the pain which is really bothering me now... I don't wana have to see a doc because of suntanning, sounds stupid to me. But if the swelling don't subside tormorrow, I'll have to go check up. It really appears bad on my job, not even one month of attendance and I have to take MC. All I hope for is their kind understanding, since I've in the Customer Service dept, they should pro in this aspect. LOL

Pleasers....

2007-06-08T16:32:00.002+08:00

Have you ever, at any point of your life, met someone soo well-liked by others? They seem to do it so effortlessly, as if they're born with some supernatural mind-reading ability. Anything they say would be what others want to hear and pleasing to the ears. Ever occur to you if they're genuinely nice or just doing so for the sake of something else? Office workers should have met lots of these people. Since an Office environment is like a battlefield with lots of arrows shooting, backstabbing and tanking (scapegoat), you can easily spot people not backstabbing nor whatsoever, but safe and sound from all those happening around them. They're usually on good terms, if not at least Neutral with everyone else, so they wouldn't be "arrowed". Some colleagues who really thought they're genuinely nice, might even go to an extend of protecting them. And it's a sad but true fact that majority of these people are females.

I have to admit that I've met couple of people who are indeed nice and well liked by everyone. There's this pair of twins I knew from secondary school, both of them are soft spoken, kind, considerate and basically think of others before themselves. They treat everyone as nice, even the meanies! You can feel that their gestures are heartfelt and sincere, with no motives nor wanting anything in return.

Now back to reality. In this modelled society, how many of the friends you have, you think are genuinely good to you? Personally I feel that, apart from babies, immediate family members and close friends whom I've knew for yearssssss, if someone is exceptionally nice to me, something is fishy. 'Cause I know I'm not a PR person, I don't say things which people wana hear, more like I say the cold hard truth, soooooo if being all that and there's still random people being too good to me, isn't there something weird? It's not easy to gain my trust, you can describe as there's an invisible fortress built around me, almost impenetrable, absolutely no entry unless I permit. This wall is built by life experiences accumulated throughout the years, setup to defend and protect in fear of future potential dangers. But like one of Art of War's strategy - "攻城先攻心" (well not exactly, but you get the idea), if someone within the trusted group is to attack from inside, I'll crumble and fall with ease. Still I'm no big bad meanie, I'm very very nice to people whom I feel true, just that alot don't meet my mark.

That's my few cents, personal view. Of course you can say it all depends on individual. Some absorb everything like a sponge, practically being nice to anyone nice to them. Like one of my friend said "they need to add a 'filter' in their brains", else they'll not realise being taken advantage of, still thinking others are just being nice. I kinda agree to that statement, 单纯 people are usually target boards. There's no way you can protect them for long, unless they, themselves wake up their ideas. You can help by shinning light on them, but it's still up to them ultimately. My youngest sister is a great example. She's mean and rude to our family but treats her friends nice. Her mindset is, because we scold and nag at her, we're not being good to her. Yet her friends are nice and everything to her, so she'll treat them equally good. I've tried talking to her couple of times regarding guys being nice to her, but I just get shut out. As a female, and at her rebelious age, she need to learn and see that people don't just treat you nice for nothing, especially in this era. Like I mentioned above, I can help to enlighten, but it's up to them to wake up.

We can't stop these people-pleasers from doing their thing, all we can do is decide what is good and not. I'll leave you guys here after reading my unreasonably long and naggy post. Please do leave a comment, add your few cents to this issue. I'll like to see others' POV.

Anyone here?

2007-06-07T13:38:00.000+08:00

I've been wondering for the past 2 nights. Are there actually anyone reading my blog? -.- I don't know, it's just that if there's no one reading, I might as well save the trouble and do something else probably. Blog to me, is not really a place where you get to know about the blog owner, rather a place to express opinions about life/current issues or whatever you fancy, a place to share your thoughts with others. So if there isn't anyone sharing with me, why should I take the trouble? (erm.. no offence people. this is ranting. lol) Of course, there'll come a time when I run dry of topics to comment on, then I'll write about daily stuffs and bore you guys to death!

I'm seriously thinking about Cosplaying. But from what I see from my friend's Alfred's gf, their cosplaying group seems quite young. I wana hang out with those around my age group, more tolerating towards a first time cosplayer. Hmm.. I just like dressing up... But I'm afraid of being flame at too. The "yaoi-ing" part sounds interesting to me, very intriguing. Maybe I should go ask Jesslyn about it, she's this veteran cosplayer friend of mine. Eh... if anyone of you reading my blog knows about cosplaying, do leave me a comment yeah. Hahaha..

Work Work

2007-06-06T16:29:00.000+08:00

Before you start reading today's post, please listen to the song I mentioned yesterday (select the first video on right hand side). Lyrics as follows.

"Have You Ever?"

[Chorus] Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?

Have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night?

Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?

Have you ever? Have you ever? [Chorus]

Have you ever been in love?

Been in love so bad

You'd do anything to make them understand

Have you ever had someone steal your heart away?

You'd give anything to make them feel the same

Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart?

But you don't know what to say

And you don't know where to start

[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one

You've dreamed of all of your life

You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes

Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to

Only to find that one won't give their heart to you

Have you ever closed your eyes and

Dreamed that they were there

And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms? Baby

What do I gotta say to get to your heart?

To make you understand how I need you next to me

Gotta get you in my world

'Coz Baby I can't sleep

[Chorus]

Today I shouldn't touch on heavy issues like yesterday, I shall be like a normal blogger talking about day to day stuffs. I've been trying to find a job since I've came back. Thanks to my best friend, Weiye, I've went to Great Eastern for an interview as a Mailer. Though it's nothing fantastic, I reckon it's best to earn something rather than sitting at home doing nothing. The hourly pay isn't bad anyway, 6/hr compared to 7/hr Weiye's getting. BTW, he's working as a Customer Service in a call center, hectic-like environment. So my job is so much simpler than his.

The interview went well, the lady interviewer (Diana) seems to like me and said would ask for me to start work this week, roughly on wednesday. Alas, today's already wednesday and I haven't recieve her call. Surely they don't have to process my application this long for such a menial post. Moreover a temp position. This is the problem with big organisations, they have to submit papers here and there for the slightest issue. My papers would probably get lost along the way. How "systematic"? -.-

Either that, or they're having serious consideration about me being not having high qualifications. Well yes, true, I only have 'O' levels, but it's just a Mailer position! You don't have to be Einstein to do such manual job. From what I heard from Weiye, there's even degree holders doing Customer Service side by side with him. Geez.. how are the lower educated people ever gonna survive in a society like this?

If the temp Mailer post didn't go well, I'll just carry on with looking for a perm job. I've got a couple of friends asking for me, my sister's company have a Marketing position opening up soon hopefully. I'm not the marketing/PR kinda person, and I hate Telemarketing, but there's not much of a choice. Another friend of mine, Freddy, said his friend has a vacancy open too, but he doesn't know whether it's true of his friend just said it for the sake of saying. Well I hope there's news from him soon. I'll rather work near my friend, at least I'll have company for lunch. ^^ It's not too bad working with my sister either, just that the problem lies with the job itself.

For only a 'O' levels holder, there isn't much of a choice. All I wish for now, is Diana can get back to me regardless I get the job or not. At least I wouldn't be cock blocked like now, stuck nowhere and can't move on.

First posting!

2007-06-05T23:07:00.000+08:00

Greetings everyone! Firstly, thanks for dropping by and read the craps I'll have to say. Blogs have been around for sometime now, guess I'm just a late starter. Never did I thought of making a blog 'cause I'm not sure if anyone would actually read it. But here I am, better late than never. So basically, I'll just be ranting and I side track alot! Do be prepared. LoLz.. I'm not really done with the display of the blog yet, please bear with it.

Those closer to me should know that I've just came back from Australia. Those even closer would have known roughly what's happening in my life, and gave me comfort/advise/opinions. Thank you all for the care and kind concern shown. Ultimately, it's still my life. And you'll have to be me to be able to understand why I've made those "illogical" or even "stupid" decisions some of you said. I'm not an easily manipulated person, and had anticipated the sufferings my decisions would bring.

"Have you ever love somebody so much it makes you cry?". That's the first line of the song "Have you ever" by Brandy. I remember first hearing the song when I was still in Secondary school, not knowing the weight the lyrics carry. When you love someone alot, there'll be a point where he/she becomes more important than yourself. And all you want is for him/her to love you back. Sounds like a simple affair? But usually in life, the simpler the thing, the more complicated it is. That's the explanation to why I've made decisions which places him as the priority, decisions which hardly benefits me even. Is that what you'll call "Love is Blind"? Or would you rather call it "True Love"? Some might even think that act is scary to an extend.

Only those who've loved deep enough will be able to relate to what I'm trying to put across. So boys and girls... do you think you're in love?

Inside of Adelene

4-in-1 Birthday Present!

Hang In There

Back to Bore!

Creaming of the Mushrooms

Oh Snap! *Self Slap*

So like.. erm.. "Pokemons are evil"? =D

What's Difficult?

Silenced the Silent Silencing

Prologue: Breaking the Silence

Lost Posts

黯然的海龟

Power of Media

Don't (Be)little Me.

(Un)Natural Selection Process?!

Beneath the Spoken Truth

Unhappy (Child)忍 Day

Happy Children's Day!

Abstraction

Unbearable Sun(ny)day

Not feeling IT.

I'm sooo Otaku

Following the Crowd

On Third Hand - Revelation

On Second Hand - Smartness

On First Hand - Impact

A Partially Fictional Tale (Tail?) Part 1

5 "C"s of the Society

Aiming for the Stars

Victimization

Stupid? Ingenious?

Revival Ressurrection Reborn

Don't make me Laugh!

Hello again...

Not For Long

Boss Attempt 2: Choco Peppermint Cookies & Sultana Walnut Cookies

Losing Weight?

Bondage!!

Cookie Feedback~~

Boss Attempt 1: Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies

Explanation for MIA

--fill in your desired title--

Alternative Thinkings

一个好人

TV

Changes

Complete Randomness

Friday Night Out, quite the Unusual

Things I Think

3 in a Row! BINGO!

Give up!

我是真的

Master of Solitude

Don't Complicate Me.

Me? Me.

Living in Solitude

Important Aspect of Life

Start of Life's Longest Chapter - Work

Pleasers....

Anyone here?

Work Work

First posting!

Oh Snap! Self Slap